listening for the good

Stephen: First I want to talk about—you have issued another beautiful book inspired by your late mother. It's called Just Shine!. One of the things I understand she says is, you don't know what's going on with someone else. You may disagree with them.

Justice Sotomayor: You have to ask them.

Stephen: Does that come in handy in your job?

Justice Sotomayor: A lot. But she showed me something else, which is you can't really judge people by their opinions because you may differ in them. You may not like what people do. One of my favorite stories—she had a friend who talked nonstop. How many of you have those kinds of friends? I bet a lot of you. They walk in, they never stop talking. My brother and I would scurry out of the room as fast as we could. My brother would probably go out to play basketball. I would go hide in my room and read. My mother would sit there and just listen.

One day after this woman had left, I looked at her and said, "How do you have that patience?" And she said, "Sonia, it can be frustrating moments, but I always remember that she really has such a wonderful heart. When I've been sick, she comes over and she's the first one to bring me food. If I am stuck not having a ride somewhere"—so she didn't drive at the time—"I call her up and she offers before I say anything. Not everybody does that."

She taught me to look for the best in people. That was the lesson that moment gave me, and it's one I look for in my colleagues, you know. I don't agree with them much—at least not with the majority—and they can be really frustrating. And there are moments when I want to scurry out of the room. But I don't. And what I look for to maintain our collegiality is the good in them. My mother was right—there is good in almost everyone. I say "almost everyone" because I was a prosecutor, and there are some evil people.

Sotomayor, Sonia. Interview by Stephen Colbert. The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. YouTube, uploaded by The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, 10 Sept. 2025, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKSzq4keAx8.

Listening with Perfect Love

Jesus was a listening leader. Because he loved others with a perfect love, he listened without being condescending. A great leader listens not only to others, but also to his conscience and to the promptings of God.

Spencer W. Kimball

"Jesus, The Perfect Leader" January 15, 1977. From an address delivered to the Young Presidents organization, Sun Valley, Idaho. 

a lot to do just to be hired

Emily Cole believes being Fans First starts with just "being a good human." She highlights how coaching good behavior starts during the hiring process. "This gives us a chance to really work alongside someone and show them how things operate in Bananaland. If they can naturally mirror the way we treat people, that's the first requirement. We can coach the skills part.

For example, we send handwritten thank-you cards to people who interview for full-time positions. If we get a handwritten thank-you card back, it's a great indicator that they listen carefully and respond. It also means they can pick up our culture's language. "When great individuals join our team, they automatically become even more caring, different, enthusiastic, fun, growing, and hungry because that's the Fans First Way, and that's what we focus on daily," Emily emphasizes.

These little tests may sound like a lot to do just to be hired, but people love our interview process. It has three parts. First, applicants do a cover letter so we can see their personality. (Coach Gillum's was legendary, helping him to beat out a coach from MLB's Pittsburgh Pirates.) Second, they write a Fans First essay and explain how they fit our core beliefs. Third, they write a future resume because we're more interested in what they'd like to do in the future than what they've already done.

That last part leads to deeper engagement with our new team member. We ask our staff members what they want to do in the future so we can work toward those goals and better support them. We can have open conversations about their goals. We may hire them to work for the Bananas, but we also want what's best for them as opposed to what's best for us. We acknowledge that it's not all about us, that they are not living just for this company, and that they are still their own separate people, with their own hopes and dreams and creativity. 

Jesse Cole

Fans First: Change The Game, Break the Rules & Create an Unforgettable Experience by Jesse Cole. Lioncrest. 2022.

things truly confident people say

Here are the kinds of things you'll hear truly confident people say.

1. "I wouldn't worry about it."

Go to a confident friend with a list of "what-ifs" or reasons why something may turn out badly and you'll likely hear this kind of reassurance. It's because confident people generally don't worry. They understand that even if something goes wrong, they can handle it. It's the persistent feeling that regardless of what happens--good or bad--they will cope.

2. "Go for it."

Along with a lack of anxiety comes a sense of optimism. Truly confident people expect good things to happen. At the same time, their track record of making good decisions means they also possess the ability to temper their positivity with realistic thinking.

3. "Doing it this way works for me."

Confident individuals don't feel compelled to conform to gain acceptance from others. This is the central beauty of confidence--the calm self-assurance that makes others want to follow.

4. "Why not me?"

Instead of waiting around for the next opportunity, confident people seek it out. Maybe it's building the right relationships, asking for a promotion or otherwise taking a leap of faith. These people have a vision for the future and chart their own path to get there.   

5. "I need to say something."

Confident people take a stand when it comes to matters of right and wrong yet possess the wisdom to understand which battles are worth fighting. That said, they'll back down graciously if proved wrong, because they're secure enough to consider viewpoints other than their own.

6. "Tell me more."

Confident people listen far more than they talk, are naturally curious, and express a genuine interest in others. Conversely, those who monopolize conversations or brag (ever) have something to prove and are masking insecurity.

7. "Can you help me?"

Everyone has weaknesses, but the self-assured are not afraid to admit them. Instead of worrying what others will think if they ask for help, confident people are more concerned with self-improvement, gaining valuable skills, and performing a job well. 

Christina Desmarias

"7 Things Confident People Always Say," Inc.com. June 24, 2016

get inside their minds

Practice really hearing what people say. Do your best to get inside their minds.

Marcus Aurelius

Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. Modern Library. 2003. P.81, Book 6, #53 Also see The Internet Classics Archive | The Meditations by Marcus Aurelius (mit.edu)

leadership skills are perishable

Over my 30-year career with Lockheed Martin, I've learned that leadership skills are perishable. It takes a devotion to listening and learning to build and maintain leadership skills and effectiveness.

Marillyn Hewson

"Want to Be a Leader? Focus on These Four Traits," Linkedin. August 2, 2016. As found in 2022 Great Quotes from Great Leaders Boxed Calendar: 365 Inspirational Quotes from Leaders Who Shaped the World.

we do not listen to understand

Think about it, the word listen and the word silent are spelled with the same letters.

In order to be a good listener, we first need to learn how to be silent.

That includes, not thinking about how you’re going to reply when another person is talking.

“The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply,” Stephen Covey.

Even though you might have a lot to say, sometimes it’s best not to respond.

In silence, without distractions, that’s when people feel respected and appreciated.

Emily Rice

"Listen to Understand not to Reply," Norhart Blog. January 18, 2019

if that's respect, then I want none of it

I wish I could say that the need to improve listening skills and less-than-perfect coordination happened only in the past. But the tragic sinking of a Japanese fishing boat off Honolulu by the submarine USS Greenville suggests otherwise. The moment I heard about it, I was reminded that, as is often the case with accidents, someone senses possible danger but doesn't necessarily speak up. As the Greenville investigation unfolded, I read in a New York Times article that the submarine's crew "respected the commanding officer too much to question his judgement." If that's respect, then I want none of it. You need to have people in your organization that can tap you on your shoulder and say, "Is this the best way?" or "Slow down," or "Think about this," or "Is what we are doing worth killing or injuring somebody?"

D. Michael Abrashoff

It's Your Ship: Management Techniques from the Best Damn Ship in the Navy by D. Michael Abrashoff. Grand Central Publishing. 2007. p.91,92

listening to learn

Leading companies today asks for a different level of self-awareness from CEOs. Previously they may often have succeeded by “listening to win” (focusing on comments that supported their view) or “listening to fix” (taking any opportunity to tell others how they would solve the problem). Sometimes such reflexes may be helpful, most obviously when the problem they need to solve is relatively straightforward. But more often than not, the problem before them is complex and asks that they develop a more curious stance, “listening to learn,” instead. 

This takes a different mindset. And it often goes against the grain of the way many CEOs and their reports were incentivized earlier in their careers, when they were rewarded for solving operational problems quickly and moving on. Now they may only succeed if they can hold the complexity for longer, and resist the quick answer, listening and discerning more carefully – and in a more inclusive way. 

Mark Byford

Creating the Space Complexity Demands: New Approaches for CEO Leaders by Mark Byford. EgonZehnder CEO Insights. Volume 24, September 2021.

Listen to everyone in your company

Listen to everyone in your company. And figure out ways to get them talking. The folks on the front lines - the ones who actually talk to the customer - are the only ones who really know what's going on out there. You'd better find out what they know. This really is what total quality is all about. To push responsibility down in your organization, and to force good ideas to bubble up within it, you must listen to what your associates are trying to tell you.

Sam Walton

Sam Walton, Made in America by Sam Walton & John Huey. Bantam Books. 1992. p. 248

poor “gardening” techniques

Let’s imagine for a moment that you are a gardener. Do any of the actions below seem like a good idea?

• Planting a seed and then digging it back up from time to time to check its progress
• Forcing open a flower bud with your fingernails because it isn’t opening fast enough
• Pulling on a tree limb because it’s not growing fast enough to provide shade

Hopefully you answered a resounding NO to all three of these scenarios. Any of those actions will inhibit the healthy growth of the seed, flower, or plant. Interestingly enough however, you CAN influence the environment each of these items are in to accelerate the desired outcomes.

In a similar way, I believe some leaders and managers practice poor “gardening” techniques with the people on their team when they are too helpful. They think that giving others all the answers to the situations they encounter will result in a healthy team member. It won’t. They are actually creating someone who will be dependent on them to solve future issues or challenges because they haven’t cultivated their analytical thinking skills, creativity, or confidence in their abilities.

...Before you drift to an unhealthy level of helping, ask yourself, “Will taking this action improve the ability of this team member to solve problems on their own in the future?” or “Is this going to help the organization build future leaders?” or even “Is this action going to help me grow this team member so that I can rely on them for bigger things in the future?” If the answer is no, consider one of the options below to improve your approach..

When a team member comes to you seeking advice or guidance, resist the urge to immediately tell them an answer. Instead, be prepared with questions like:

• What actions have you taken so far to solve the problem?
• What do you think needs to be done in this situation?
• Tell me what you see as the main issue here.
• What do you think we should do next to address the issue?
• What solution would you choose if I wasn’t here?
• What solution do you think I’m going to offer?
• How can I help you take the next step?

And don’t forget… when you ask these questions, really listen to their ideas.

Jones Loflin

"Why Being Too Helpful Is A Bad Habit For Leaders," by Jones Loflin. jonesloflin.com Accessed on June 22, 2022. 

right at the end of a meeting

It’s important to be right at the end of a meeting, not at the beginning. If you embrace that mind-set, you’ll do a lot less talking in meetings, and focus instead on getting others to report facts and air their opinions. I stumbled onto this approach when I first arrived at Honeywell. Realizing I couldn’t trust my board or staff, I became a lot more careful about expressing my opinions up front. Then I realized I was making better decisions because I was allowing for a richer discussion. I proceeded to permanently change how I ran meetings.

David M. Cote

Winning Now, Winning Later: How Companies Can Succeed in the Short Term While Investing for the Long Term. HarperCollins Leadership. 2020. p. 24

change the rule

When [Monty] Williams was fired by the New Orleans Pelicans in 2015, he surveyed former players, who told him they felt like they couldn’t make mistakes in front of him. He vowed that if he got another chance to coach in the NBA, he would listen to his players more. “That made me feel like an idiot,” he said. “To have any one of our players not feeling like they can be themselves. It was something I hope I’ve learned from.”

He eventually worked in San Antonio’s front office. There, he internalized a Gregg Popovich mantra about flexibility: “If the rules stifle talent, change the rule.”

Seerat Sohi

"Will Deandre Ayton Get His Moment in the Sun?" by Seerat Sohi. The Ringer. April 28, 2022

having everyone contribute

Having everyone contribute isn’t just good for the end result of your meeting but for the participants themselves as well. People like to know that their opinions are being heard and considered, says Gino. And, “just by asking people in the meeting for their opinion, you’re going to raise their commitment to the issues being discussed.”

Amy Gallo

“The Condensed Guide to Running Meetings,” Harvard Business Review. July 6, 2015 as quoted in HBR Guide to Making Every Meeting Matter. Harvard Business Review Press. 2016.

listen to understand

 

command and feedback

In the Corps, I was taught to use the concept of "command and feedback." You don't control your subordinate commanders' every move; you clearly state your intent and unleash their initiative. Then, when the inevitable obstacles or challenges arise, with good feedback loops and relevant data displays, you hear about it and move to deal with the obstacle. Based on feedback, you fix the problem. George Washington, leading a revolutionary army, followed a "listen, learn, and help, then lead," sequence. I found that what worked for George Washington worked for me.  

Jim Mattis

MATTIS, J. (2019). CALL SIGN CHAOS: Learning to lead. S.l.: RANDOM HOUSE. 62

speak, but don’t listen

[W]hen leaders assume their answer is the answer, they tend to approach change as they would a political campaign — heavy on slogans and focused on numerical targets akin to contributions and votes. The process can feel forced; people are engaged solely to be converted to the leader’s “side,” rather than to participate in a dialogue about the potential implications of the plan. Leaders speak, but don’t listen. Or they assume that a lack of feedback reflects agreement and acceptance among their constituents.

Success under this approach is typically measured by increases in compliance (“40 percent of staff have logged on to the new ERP system”) and decreases in resistance (“the number of employees indicating the new ERP system will help make their work more effective has increased by 30 percent since last quarter”). Leaders reward those who quickly conform, not realizing that these conversions often represent superficial commitments, not true allegiance or even an accurate understanding of the new way. And because hard questions are minimized, teams may comply with a change that won’t work once it gets underway.

For employees, the pressure to change without truly understanding or committing to the initiative is an unfortunate fact of organizational life. People become used to the expectation that they will limit independent thinking and suspend disbelief, regardless of the lessons of their prior experience. If employees have a few questions, that is usually acceptable, but more can invite censure or ridicule, or, in the worst cases, can be career damaging, even if such questions represent legitimate critiques or sound ideas for improvement.

Maya Townsend and Elizabeth Doty

"The road to successful change is lined with trade-offs," strategy+business. November 2, 2020.

seeing only part of the picture

The most enduring change initiatives — those that drive real results — are based on leaders’ assumption that they are seeing only part of the picture and thus need to learn more. These leaders ask hard questions and engage in trade-offs as early as possible, talking with those who raise concerns not to gain their compliance, but to improve, refine, and pressure test the proposed change.

Maya Townsend and Elizabeth Doty

"The road to successful change is lined with trade-offs," strategy+business. November 2, 2020.

straight conversations

 

I think the first 3:25 seconds of this interview is powerful. Here's an excerpt from the transcript:

Reporter: Following the huge win against the Pelicans we saw this team take to the court, take the locker room, go to the weight room – and that was after a big win. What has this team’s emotion and reaction been like after the Clipper’s loss?

Coach Monty Williams: It’s been the same approach…. One of the culture pieces we’ve tried to implement is we don’t let win’s and losses dictate the atmosphere and the culture we feel like we are establishing…. That’s something that I’ve learned over the years, I cannot change – no matter what happens on the floor our gym stays the same. We want everybody here excited about coming to work, and I think that allows for us to have a level of consistency in how we approach development. The most important thing is that people are excited to come to work. Nothing changed. Yesterday was the same as any other day…. We teach, we grow, we get after it. 

Reporter: You’ve been preaching staying in that middle ground for a while now. When did that mentality really set in for you?... Why is that such a key in order to get this team where you want them to go? 

Coach: …Listening to the guys that I had coached before, they didn’t always feel excited about coming to work because they thought that I was going to push them in a way that diminished their talents. I really had to take a deep look at my approach. It was one of my prayers that if God ever gave me a chance to be a head coach again I wanted to be excited about work everyday myself, but I also wanted the players to have the same feeling – when they got up out of the bed they felt really good about coming to work…. I had some straight, black and white conversations with guys that I coached, and what I heard back – I was ashamed to be honest with you. I didn’t realize it and that’s why the communication with those guys was really important for my growth. 

Monty Williams

Post-Practice Media Availability. 1/5/2021. https://www.facebook.com/suns/videos/163428998468163

google leadership evaluation

Here are Google's leadership evaluation questions (a scale of 1 (strongly agree) to 5 (strongly disagree)):

1. My manager gives me actionable feedback that helps me improve my performance.

2. My manager does not "micromanage" (get involved in details that should be handled at other levels).

3. My manager shows consideration for me as a person.

4. The actions of my manager show that he/she values the perspective I bring to the team, even if it is different from his/her own.

5. My manager keeps the team focused on our priority results/deliverables.

6. My manager regularly shares relevant information from his/her manager and senior leaders.

7. My manager has had a meaningful discussion with me about career development in the past six months.

8. My manager communicates clear goals for our team.

9. My manager has the technical expertise (e.g., coding in Tech, selling in Global Business, accounting in Finance) required to effectively manage me.

10. I would recommend my manager to other Googlers.

11. I am satisfied with my manager's overall performance as a manager.

Then Google employees are asked to complete two other questions: 

12. What would you recommend your manager keep doing?

13. What would you have your manager change?

The evaluation spends almost no time assessing a manager's knowledge, skill, and experience. All but one question focuses on soft skills: communication, feedback, coaching, teamwork, respect, and consideration.

What you know matters, but communicating, delegating, creating a sense of autonomy and purpose...that matters a lot more.

Granted, you could argue that possessing superb technical skills is less important for Google's team managers; after all, it's easier for Google to recruit and retain incredibly skilled people than it is for many companies. 

But that argument misses the larger point. While most employees need some degree of training early on, the emphasis soon shifts from what they know to how they use their knowledge and skills.

Jeff Haden

"Here's How Google Knows in Less Than 5 Minutes if Someone Is a Great Leader" Inc. November 18, 2020