listening for the good

Stephen: First I want to talk about—you have issued another beautiful book inspired by your late mother. It's called Just Shine!. One of the things I understand she says is, you don't know what's going on with someone else. You may disagree with them.

Justice Sotomayor: You have to ask them.

Stephen: Does that come in handy in your job?

Justice Sotomayor: A lot. But she showed me something else, which is you can't really judge people by their opinions because you may differ in them. You may not like what people do. One of my favorite stories—she had a friend who talked nonstop. How many of you have those kinds of friends? I bet a lot of you. They walk in, they never stop talking. My brother and I would scurry out of the room as fast as we could. My brother would probably go out to play basketball. I would go hide in my room and read. My mother would sit there and just listen.

One day after this woman had left, I looked at her and said, "How do you have that patience?" And she said, "Sonia, it can be frustrating moments, but I always remember that she really has such a wonderful heart. When I've been sick, she comes over and she's the first one to bring me food. If I am stuck not having a ride somewhere"—so she didn't drive at the time—"I call her up and she offers before I say anything. Not everybody does that."

She taught me to look for the best in people. That was the lesson that moment gave me, and it's one I look for in my colleagues, you know. I don't agree with them much—at least not with the majority—and they can be really frustrating. And there are moments when I want to scurry out of the room. But I don't. And what I look for to maintain our collegiality is the good in them. My mother was right—there is good in almost everyone. I say "almost everyone" because I was a prosecutor, and there are some evil people.

Sotomayor, Sonia. Interview by Stephen Colbert. The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. YouTube, uploaded by The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, 10 Sept. 2025, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKSzq4keAx8.

empathic communication

Business practices evolve rapidly, but there’s one technique business leaders should always rely on to effectively motivate and lead: empathic communication. Develop and show empathy for everyone involved in your corporate transition, and you’ll lead a team that feels valued, included, and driven to help your initiative succeed.

Patti Sanchez

"The Secret to Leading Organizational Change Is Empathy," Harvard Business Review. December 20, 2018

how information is communicated

When I sat down with the CEO and her executive team to think through their communication plan, I asked not about the change itself, but about how her employees might feel about what’s ahead. We started with her team because, in my work as a communication consultant, I’ve observed the same thing time and time again: how information is communicated to employees during a change matters more than what information is communicated. A lack of audience empathy when conveying news about an organizational transformation can cause it to fail.

Patti Sanchez

"The Secret to Leading Organizational Change Is Empathy," Harvard Business Review. December 20, 2018

what would make it special?

Back in 2016, when Berry Aldridge was still just an intern and making thank-you calls to ticket purchasers, he was having trouble reaching a family, the Nunn family, who had bought eight tickets to the show. Finally, Berry got in touch with the father. He learned that the wife and mother had bought tickets for their seven kids to go to a game - and then she had tragically died.

Shocked and speechless, Berry managed to get out, "I'm so sorry to hear that," before ending the conversation. 

Then he walked into my office and told me the story. "What do we do?" he said.

Channeling Ken Silver, I replied, "What do you think?"

"Well, I'd really love to get the kids and dad out here and create something special for them," he said.

I agreed. "What ideas do you have? What would make it special?"

As it turned out, Berry had plenty of ideas - and he was ready to put them into action, planning the whole night for the Nunn family all on his own. When the family arrived on the night of the game, Berry seated them in the front row and had all the players come and deliver autographed bats and balls and hang out with the family for about a half hour before the game. Then Berry presented the dad with a jersey with his wife's name. Its number was the number of years they'd been married.

After the game, Berry and the father were chatting a little more, and the father shared that these Bananas tickets were the last gift his wife had given their kids - and he couldn't have imagined a better gift! Without Berry, the family might never have come to the game. Thanks to Berry's effort, the family was able to make that last gift - the last story of their wife and mother - special.

Imagine what your business would look like if your interns or new hires brought the same level of care and agency to their work - all because they were empowered to think for themselves. What amazing things would you be able to do for your fans?

Jesse Cole

Fans First: Change The Game, Break the Rules & Create an Unforgettable Experience by Jesse Cole. Lioncrest. 2022.

a ferocious reader

Storytelling played a role in the formative years of Theodore (Teddy) Roosevelt. Roosevelt became a “ferocious reader,” writes Goodwin. Books transported Roosevelt into “the lives of the adventurous heroes he most admired.”

Roosevelt once said that leaders in every field need to understand human nature. The best way to know how people feel is to read the works of “great imaginative writers,” he advised. 

Roosevelt’s love of reading and history would work to his advantage in helping to reach a peaceful solution during the six-month coal strike of 1902. By understanding the deep history of distrust between labor and management that had sparked the rebellion, he was able to empathize with everyday people and communicate with them plainly and simply. 

Carmine Gallo

Public Speaking Secrets That Made Four U.S. Presidents Influential Leaders by Carmine Gallo. Forbes. February 21, 2022. 

all politics is personal

I believe all politics is personal, because at bottom, politics depends on trust, and unless you can establish a personal relationship, it's awfully hard to build trust.... I have always followed my father's advice: Never tell a man what his interests are. Be straight and open with him about your own interests. And try to put yourself in his shoes. Try to understand his hopes and his limitations, and never insist that he do something you know he cannot. It's really just about making the effort to make a personal connection.

Joe Biden

Promise Me, Dad: A Year of Hope, Hardship, and Purpose. By Joe Biden. Flatiron Books. 2017. Preface. 129

family responsibilities

This is a story about President-elect Joe Biden, and a letter that he wrote to his staff that just became public....

The letter is from 2014, when the president-elect was serving in his second term as vice president. It runs only 126 words, after the simple greeting, "To My Wonderful Staff:"

From there, it goes like this:

I would like to take a moment and make something clear to everyone. I do not expect nor do I want any of you to miss or sacrifice important family obligations for work. 

Family obligations include but are not limited to family birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, any religious ceremonies such as first communions and bar mitzvahs, graduations, and time of need such as an illness or a loss in the family. 

This is very important to me. In fact, I will go so far as to say that if I find out that you are working with me while missing important family responsibilities, it will disappoint me greatly. This has been an unwritten rule since my days in the Senate. 

Thank you for all the hard work.

...[This letter] lets everyone know the boss's priorities....

Second, it's incredibly empathetic.

This is the core of the message -- Biden telling his team that he expects them to set priorities, and that work is not always the top priority. 

Bill Murphy, Jr.

"Joe Biden Wrote an Incredibly Inspiring Letter to His Staff. Every Smart Leader Should Copy It" Inc. November 21, 2020

listen all the time

Listening to what other people say is the most important skill for a leader to develop

That's especially true if you're trying to change your habits.

Here's Marshall Goldsmith:

"The only difference between us and the super-successful among us — the near-great and the great — is that the great ones  [listen] all the time. It's automatic for them. For them there's no on and off switch for caring and empathy and showing respect. It's always on. They don't rank personal encounters as A, B, or C in importance. They treat everyone equally — and everyone eventually notices."

Shana Lebowitz 

"5 insights from a classic leadership book by an executive coach who's helped over 150 CEOs" Business Insider.  Aug 26, 2016

the most important skill for interacting with people

Very few people are compassionate and considerate. … There are people in your life that haven’t been thanked for all of their efforts in far too long.

“When you meet someone, treat them as if they were in serious trouble:

… and you will be right more than half the time.”—Henry Eyring

Every person you meet, no matter how happy they appear on the outside, is dealing with serious challenges in their life.

Life is freaking hard.

Some of the people you meet are going through bitter and bone-chilling challenges. And for the most part, you have no clue. You just pass them at work, in the grocery store, or even at family gatherings.

In the book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Dr. Stephen Covey tells the story of being on a train one day. While on the train, there were two very noisy kids causing a disturbance to everyone around them. Covey noticed that the father was doing nothing about it, and after a period of restraint he approached the father. Here’s Covey’s account of the situation:

“Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?”

The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly,

“Oh, you’re right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what to think, and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either.”

Can you imagine what I felt at that moment? My paradigm shifted. Suddenly I saw things differently, I felt differently, I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn’t have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior; my heart was filled with the man’s pain. Feelings of sympathy and compassion flowed freely. Everything changed in an instant.

Living more compassionately

If you treat every person you meet like they are dealing with a serious challenge, you’ll be right more than half the time. If you entreat people with love, kindness, empathy, and discernment, they will appreciate you so much.

Sharing a few kind words to our loved ones make refreshes them like cool water in the middle of the desert. Small gestures can bring hope and motivation.

Even better, ask people how they are really doing in their life. Tell them that you know they are going through a lot right now, and that it’s probably really tough.

How do you think they’ll respond?

You might just see some tears.

Very few people are compassionate and considerate. For instance, my mom works like an absolute workhorse in her job. She is one of the most caring and loving and hardworking people I know. Yet, day in-and-out, she takes constantly crap from people who don’t appreciate what she does.

It’s crazy how a small and thoughtful compliment can put her in tears. She works so hard.

There are people in your life that haven’t been thanked for all of efforts in far too long.

Conclusion

Harriet Beecher Stowe once said, “The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.”

You have no idea what the people in your world are currently dealing with. If you treat them like they are going through a crises, you’ll be right more often than not. But even more importantly, you can be a balm of peace and understanding for them.

A few words can be a release-valve for pent-up pain and sadness.

You could change someone’s life today. You could potentially save someone’s life today. You could also indirectly change countless other lives through the ripple effects of making just one person felt heard and seen.

Send the text to a friend.

Make that call to a loved one.

Apologize to a co-worker or employee.

Send a loving note of appreciation to your spouse/lover.

Say “I love you” more.

Wrote William Shakespeare, “They do not love that do not show their love.

The Most Important Skill for Interacting with People

Benjamin P. Hardy

theladders.com

5 Oct. 2018

four characteristics of the transformational leader

Transformational leaders exhibit four characteristics in their interactions with employees; idealized influence, inspirational motivation, intellectual stimulation, and individualized consideration.

Transformational Leaders

• Charisma: Provides vision and sense of mission, instills pride, gains respect and trust. 
• Inspiration: Communicates high expectations, uses symbols to focus efforts, expresses important purposes in simple ways.
• Intellectual stimulation: Promotes intennigence, rationality, and careful problem solving. 
• Individualized Consideration: Gives personal atention, treats each employee individually, coaches, advises. 

Transactional Leaders

• Contingent Reward: Contracts exchange of rewards for effort, promises rewards for good performance, recognizes accomplishments.
• Management by Exception (active): Watches and searches for deviations from rules and standards, takes corrective action.
• Management by Exception (passive): Intervenes only if standards are not met. 
• Lasissez-Faire: Abdicates responsibilities, avoids making decisions. 

Bernard M. Bass

"From transactional to transformational leadership. Learning to share the vision." by B.M. Bass.  Organizational dynamics.  Winter 1990.  As quoted by "Phoebe Hayman, the founder of Seedling, Talks About Leadership as a Support Role" by Ramon B. Nuez Jr. Huffington Post. August 28, 2017.

primary greatness of character

If you want to have a happy marriage, be the kind of person who generates positive energy and sidesteps negative energy rather than empowering it. If you want to have a more pleasant, cooperative teenager, be a more understanding, empathetic, consistent, loving parent. If you want to have more freedom, more latitude in your job, be a more responsible, a more helpful, a more contributing employee. If you want to be trusted, be trustworthy. If you want the secondary greatness of recognized talent, focus first on primary greatness of character.

Stephen R. Covey

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change.  Simon & Schuster, 2013

good managers give a damn

Kim Scott had one thing to do that day. She was going to price her product. It was the year 2000, she was the founder and CEO of Juice Software, and she had blocked off her whole morning to make this decision.

The moment she stepped off the elevator, she was met by co-worker after co-worker who needed and wanted to talk to her — one about a health concern, another about his kid excelling at school, another about a disintegrating marriage. She comforted, celebrated with, and listened to each one in turn. She didn’t, however, price the product.

“For a minute I thought, this is where the assholes really have the advantage,” says Scott. “But that’s not right either. Good managers give a damn.”

This is just one piece of advice Scott discovered during the last 20 years, and has carried with her through leadership roles at some of the biggest and influential tech companies in the world. Most recently, she advised Dropbox and Twitter. At First Round’s recent CEO Summit, she shared what she believes to be the most important management lessons she’s learned.

“The most surprising thing about becoming a manager is all the pressure to stop caring,” says Scott — and she doesn’t mean caring about the work, she means caring about the people. “I was excited about the product and the opportunity [at Juice], but also I was excited to build a team of people who really cared about each other and loved to work together.”

The morning she got distracted from the pricing decision was not an exception. Finding the time to focus on “the work” without being interrupted was a constant struggle. She even called her CEO coach at the time and asked, “Is my job to build a great product or am I really just an armchair psychiatrist?” She got her answer when her coach literally yelled at her: “It’s called management and it is your job!” “These words have always rung in my ears, every time I’ve been tempted to stop caring,” Scott says.

Interview with Kim Scott

"My Management Lessons from Three Failed Startups, Google, Apple, Dropbox, and Twitter" firstround.com 3/19/2014

one-on-one

Several years ago my wife, Margie, was working with a fast-food chain and learned its turnover rate was substantially lower than the national average. She asked the manager what he was doing to keep the rate so low. At first, he said he didn’t think he was doing anything special, but further discussion revealed the answer: This manager made sure to take at least 10 minutes every week to talk to each employee. These conversations weren’t necessarily about job performance; they were just a conversation to check in with each employee to see how things were going.

After learning this, Margie talked to some of the staff. When she asked why they stayed, they all mentioned their manager and said they liked working for someone who cared about them... He made time for them, which in turn made them feel they were a respected part of the team.

Margie was so enthusiastic about this concept that she shared it with our leadership team and went on to develop a “one-on-one meetings” process. This process requires managers to meet one-on-one with each of their direct reports for 15 to 30 minutes at least every two weeks. These meetings are not to talk about performance or report on progress — they are meant to enhance the relationship between the manager and the employee.

The leader schedules the meeting, but the employee sets the agenda. It’s a chance to talk about anything: goals, share personal information, learn more about the company or ask for help to solve a problem. These kinds of conversations allow managers and employees to get to know each other as human beings.

We’ve found that when employees are not only allowed but also encouraged to talk with managers about their everyday lives — the good and the bad — relationships flourish and reach a new level of trust. Trusted working relationships improve performance at all levels.

As a leader, you might think you don’t have time to add more meetings, but you can’t afford not to take time for your people. If you have 10 direct reports and can’t find an additional few hours to mentor and develop them, leadership might not be the right role for you. One-on-one meetings are a significant way for leaders to demonstrate they care. Time in team meetings doesn’t count. Only one-on-one interactions deepen relationships, create loyalty and build partnerships.

Spending dedicated time lets employees know their work is important and that they are valued members of the team. These conversations are the foundation for strong, productive relationships that align people with each other and with the work of the organization in a satisfying, meaningful way. 

Ken Blanchard

"We Need to Talk." Chief Learning Officer. March 2014

the mystique of leadership

The mystique of leadership, be it educational, political, religious, commercial or whatever, is next to impossible to describe, but wherever it exists, morale flourishes, people pull together toward common goals, spirits soar, order is maintained, not as an end in itself, but as a means to move forward together. Such leadership always has a moral as well as intellectual dimension; it requires courage as well as wisdom; it does not simply know, it cares.

T.M. Hesburgh

Management of organizational behavior: Utilizing human resources. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall. 1971

As quoted in Jones, H.E. and Moser, H.R. From Trait to Transformation: The Evolution of Leadership Theories – Middle Tennessee State University

there is no other way

"Thank God Kareem was my teammate, because I used to cringe at the way he treated people," Magic said. "There was a way to say no if you didn't want to sign an autograph. You could say, 'I'm Busy right now,' or, 'Sorry, not today.' But Kareem didn't do it in a very kind way. Sometimes he's have people in tears. It's hurt him now that he's done playing."

More than a decade after both men retired, Kareem approached Magic to learn more about Johnson's business acumen. Abdul-Jabbar had struggled to find his niche since he stopped playing, and he was looking to Magic, who had made millions off the court, for advice.

"I want to be like you," the center said.

Magic shook his head.

"No, you don't," Johnson answered. "To be like me, you've got to shake hands, hug people, attend luncheons. You've got to be nice to people all the time. You've got to make small talk. You've got to be on."

"Well, maybe I can do it another way," Abdul-Jabbar said.

"There is no other way," Magic explained. "You have to be cordial. You can't treat your teammates without any courtesy, or humiliate reporters, or blow off fans."

Magic shared a story with Abdul-Jabbar that happened in his second season in the pros and resonated with him for a decade. The Lakers were finishing up a pregame shoot-around when a man and his young son timidly approached Abdul-Jabbar and asked, "Kareem, can we please get a picture?"

"No," Abdul-Jabbar snapped without breaking stride.

Magic, standing nearby, could see the young boy was crushed. Johnson was not yet and All-Star, an MVP, or a household name, although he was well on his way to accomplishing all of that. He walked over to the father and said, "How about a picture with me?"

As the grateful father lined up the shot, Magic joked, "Maybe I'll be in the Hall of Fame someday too."

Twenty-two years later, Johnson sat in a boardroom representing Magic Johnson Enterprises with hopes of generating some new business. After he made his pitch, an older gentleman approached him.

"We met before, a long, long time ago," the gentleman said. "You posed for a picture with my son. Kareem blew us off, but you were very nice."

The son was a grown man, a successful attorney in Los Angeles. His father was the CEO of the company Magic was soliciting.

"My son is 29 years old now," the man said," and he still has that picture on his wall."

As Magic walked out of the meeting with a new multimillion-dollar client in his portfolio, he thought to himself, "See, Kareem? It could have been you."

Larry Bird, Earvin “Magic” Johnson & Jackie MacMullan

When the Game Was Ours. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2009

he had gone too far

As he began forging his political ambitions, Lincoln recognized the power of words to weaken and even destroy his opponents, and so he started to attack them with powerful volleys of criticism and mockery. Upon provocation at a political gathering in 1840, Lincoln mimicked and ridiculed his opponent, Jess Thomas, to uproarious cheering of the crowd. Thomas, who was present at the event, was reduced to tears, and for years afterwards, the people referred to it as "the skinning of Thomas." 

Lincoln was also in the habit of writing anonymous letters to newspapers to sharply criticize his adversaries. On one occasion in 1842, for instance, he used the fictitious identity of "Rebecca" to castigate and deride the state auditor, James Shields, calling him "a fool and a liar" in a letter, and making mock-allegations of an unflattering conversation that James had had with Rebecca. 

But the Lincoln we know as president was not this brash, impulsive politician who launched personal attacks on his opponents. What made him change? All along, something had been stirring within him. Right after the "skinning of Thomas" in 1840, one of his friends reported that "…the recollection of his own conduct that evening filled [Lincoln] with the deepest chagrin. He felt he had gone too far and to rid his good nature of a load, hunted up Thomas and made ample apology," according to an excerpt in Benjamin Thomas, Lincoln's Humor: An Analysis. 

This inner stirring intensified when some of his verbal attacks drew unfavorable consequences for Lincoln himself. In fact, when the letter he signed as "Rebecca" was published, the recipient of his reproach, Shields, was so enraged that he forced the newspaper to divulge the writer's identity, and, when he was told that it was Lincoln, accosted Lincoln and challenged him to a duel. Good sense prevailed on both men just moments before they were to commence this fight-unto-death. Having learned a lesson by coming so close to an inglorious death, Lincoln never wrote such anonymous letters again. 

Gradually molding his character this way, Lincoln also became highly attuned to the feelings of others, including his enemies, and highly measured in the way he communicated in adversarial situations. This was a crucial quality for leading America at a time when the nation was so divided, and the wounds of a Civil War had to be rapidly healed. Once, as he and his wife Mary Todd Lincoln were approaching Washington in a carriage, she remarked, "This city is full of enemies," Lincoln injected, "Enemies? Never again must we repeat that word."

Hitendra Wadhwa

"Lessons in Leadership: How Lincoln Became America's Greatest President." Inc. Magazine. Feb 12, 2012.

I said; he did

Early in my career, a woman who worked both for myself and a partner passed away suddenly. I expressed my heartfelt grief to her family and sent eloquent condolences and genuine concern.

My colleague, meanwhile, flew into action. He took a plane to the family’s side, helped arrange funeral services, and set up a scholarship for her child’s education. And he did it all quietly and without fanfare. Though well-intentioned, my words were far less effective and helpful than his decisive actions. I said; he did.

Joel Peterson

"In A Great Business, People Trump Things." Forbes Magazine. 10/17/2012

earn the faith of others

Many aspiring leaders think that leadership is about being the smartest person in the room, the loudest, the most charismatic, or the wealthiest. None of these is true.

It’s about faith. Start small. Achieve results. Earn confidence. Listen hard. Be empathetic. Think before you talk.

Over time, you will earn the faith of others. When you do, don’t let it go to your head. Don’t suddenly act like an ego-driven Master of the Universe. Once you do this, the faith that people have in you will start to erode.

Leadership isn’t complicated, but it is hard. No one ever said it was easy to earn and hold the faith of others. But it is easier when you understand that this is what powers all effective leaders.

Bruce Kasanoff

"Leadership in One Word = Faith." Forbes. 7/23/2015

why did they do what they did?

Dismissing actions we don't admire merely because we don't care enough to have empathy is rarely going to help us make the change we seek. It doesn't help us understand, and it creates a gulf that drives us apart.

Seth Godin

"Empathy." Seth's Blog. 8/12/2015

the art of the critique

Harry Levinson, a psychoanalyst turned corporate consultant, gives the following advice on the art of the critique, which is intricately entwined with the art of praise:

• Be specific. Pick a significant incident, an event that illustrates a key problem that needs changing or a pattern of deficiency, such as the inability to do certain parts of a job well. It demoralizes people just to hear that they are doing “something” wrong without knowing what the specifics are so they can change. Focus on the specifics, saying what the person did well, what was done poorly, and how it could be changed. Don’t beat around the bush or be oblique or evasive; it will muddy the real message. This, of course, is akin to the advice to couples about the “XYZ” statement of a grievance: say exactly what the problem is, what’s wrong with it or how it makes you feel, and what could be changed.  “Specificity,” Levinson points out, “is just as important for praise as for criticism. I won’t say that vague praise has no effect at all, but it doesn’t have much, and you can’t learn from it.”
• Offer a solution. The critique, like all useful feedback, should point to a way to fix the problem. Otherwise it leaves the recipient frustrated, demoralized, or demotivated. The critique may open the door to possibilities and alternatives that the person did not realize were there, or simply sensitize her to deficiencies that need attention – but should include suggestions about how to take care of these problems.
• Be present. Critiques, like praise, are most effective face to face and in private. People who are uncomfortable giving a criticism – or offering praise – are likely to ease the burden on themselves by doing it at a distance, such as in a memo. But this makes the communication too impersonal, and robs the person receiving it of an opportunity for a response or clarification.
• Be sensitive. This is a call for empathy, for being attuned to the impact of what you say and how you say it on the person at the receiving end. Managers who have little empathy, Levinson points out, are most prone to giving feedback in a hurtful fashion, such as the withering put-down. The net effect of such criticism is destructive: instead of opening the way for a corrective, it creates an emotional backlash of resentment, bitterness, defensiveness, and distance.

Daniel Goleman

Emotional Intelligence. Random House LLC, 2006. 358 pages, p.153, 154