name it to tame it

Name It to Tame It is a technique that involves noticing and labeling emotions as they’re happening. Identifying an intense emotion (“naming”) has the effect of reducing the stress and anxiety (“taming”) in the brain and the body that that emotion is causing.

In addition to in-the-moment relief, this practice also strengthens our capacity over time to be with big emotions when they arise, without getting swept up in them.

This technique was first identified by Dr. Daniel Siegel, a psychiatrist, writer, and professor who is also the founding co-director of the Mindful Awareness Research Center at UCLA...

Practicing this technique effectively involves being aware of your body, speaking compassionately to yourself, and using deep, slow breathing.

When you think of a typical cycle of reactive thoughts, it might go like this:

1. Something happens
2. Your body responds: tension, rapid heart rate, faster breathing
3. You might have thoughts like, “This is unbelievable!” / “How could they do this?” / “This isn't fair!”
4. You feel angry, frustrated, rejected, humiliated, afraid, etc.
5. If you’re trying to stop or deny the emotion, you might speak to yourself in reprimanding ways: “What’s wrong with you?” / “Get ahold of yourself!”—which doesn’t work
6. Your body responds with more tension and stress hormones
7. You act out physically or have an emotional outburst

To gently interrupt this cycle, you initiate Name It to Tame It right after you notice your body’s first response. It might look like this:

1. You notice what your body is telling you: that you’re feeling angry, afraid, sad, etc.—and you take a deep, slow breath in
2. You recognize the fact that this situation is upsetting you—without reprimanding yourself—and you slowly exhale
3. You honestly name what you’re feeling: e.g., “anger, anger, anger” or “fear, fear, fear”—and you take a deep, slow breath in
4. Your notice your body slowly calming itself—and you exhale
5. You keep naming and breathing until you feel your body regulating

Naming the emotions creates a kind of healthy distance between you and the reaction. You recognize an important truth: you’re experiencing an emotion, but you aren’t caught up in or controlled by it.

"Name It to Tame It: Label Your Emotions to Overcome Negative Thoughts," by Mindfulness.com. Accessed on April 4, 2023

things can’t shape our decisions

You don’t have to turn this into something. It doesn’t have to upset you. Things can’t shape our decisions by themselves.

Marcus Aurelius

Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. Modern Library. 2003. P.81, Book 6, #52. Also see The Internet Classics Archive | The Meditations by Marcus Aurelius (mit.edu)

choose not to be harmed

Choose not to be harmed – and you won’t feel harmed.

Don’t feel harmed – and you haven’t been.

Marcus Aurelius

Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. Modern Library. 2003. P.39, Book 4, #7. Also see The Internet Classics Archive | The Meditations by Marcus Aurelius (mit.edu)

none of them can hurt me

When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly. They are like this because they can’t tell good from evil. But I have seen the beauty of good, and the ugliness of evil, and have recognized that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own – not of the same blood or birth, but the same mind, and possessing a share of the divine. And so none of them can hurt me. No one can implicate me in ugliness. Nor can I feel angry at my relative, or hate him. We were born to work together like feet, hands, and eyes, like the two rows of teeth, upper and lower. To obstruct each other is unnatural. To feel anger at someone, to turn your back on him: these are obstructions.

Marcus Aurelius

Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. Modern Library. 2003. p.17, Book 2, #1. Also see The Internet Classics Archive | The Meditations by Marcus Aurelius (mit.edu)

the panacea for insatiable yearnings

What the foremost researchers in the field of gratitude, Robert Emmons of the University of California, Davis, and Michael McCullough of the University of Miami, have established is that “a life oriented around gratefulness is the panacea for insatiable yearnings and life’s ills. . . . At the cornerstone of gratitude is the notion of undeserved merit. The grateful person recognizes that he or she did nothing to deserve the gift or benefit; it was freely bestowed.” Gratitude works its magic by serving as an antidote to negative emotions. It’s like white blood cells for the soul, protecting us from cynicism, entitlement, anger, and resignation. It’s summed up in a quote I love (attributed to Imam AlShafi’i, an eighth- century Muslim jurist): “My heart is at ease knowing that what was meant for me will never miss me, and that what misses me was never meant for me.”

Arianna Huffington

"Why We Need Wisdom More Than Ever," by Arianna Huffington. Thrive Global. November 30, 2016. Excerpt from Thrive: The Third Metric to Redefining Success and Creating a Life of Well-Being, Wisdom, and Wonder pp. 116–130. As found in 2022 Great Quotes From Great Leaders Boxed Calendar: 365 Inspirational Quotes From Leaders Who Shaped the World.

situation, behavior, impact

The Center for Creative Leadership developed a technique called Situation, Behavior, Impact that ensures guidance is humble rather than judgmental. The idea is simple. It forces you to describe what you saw a person do and what impact you saw as a result. This prevents you from passing judgments or making assertions that seem arrogant or fall prey to the “fundamental attribution error.”

Instead of yelling, “You a$$&0!e” when somebody grabs your parking space, you say, “I’ve been waiting for that spot here for five minutes, and you just zipped in front of me and took it. Now I’m going to be late.”

If you say this, you give the person a chance to say, “Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t realize, let me move.” (Of course, the person might also just flip you off or say, “Tough s&!t.” Then you can yell with more justification, “You a$$&0!e!”)

Here’s how to do this at work. Describe the situation, the person’s behavior, and the impact the behavior had. All those descriptions don’t have to add up to a novel. They just provide the specifics of what actually happened. In other words, don’t just say, “You’re aggressive.” Better to say, “In the meeting we just had when you and Zan got in an argument (situation), putting your face three inches from Zan’s and yelling ‘F*#& You’ (behavior) was too aggressive.” Here you are describing the situation and the behavior, but you didn’t describe the impact.

Best to say, “In the meeting we just had when you and Zan got in an argument (situation), putting your face three inches from Zan’s and yelling ‘F*#& You’ (behavior) could result in his bringing a lawsuit against the company for allowing a hostile work environment (impact).”

Situation, behavior, impact applies to praise as well as to criticism. Praise can feel just as arrogant as criticism. A great way to offer praise that is helpful is to share the situation, the behavior, and the impact so that it’s clear why the work was important. I often bristle at praise because it sounds insincere or patronizing or somehow belittling.

When somebody says to me, “I’m so proud of you!” I think, “Who are you to be proud of me?” I’d rather hear, “In the presentation you just gave (situation), I think what you said about A, B, C (behavior) was a persuasive because x, y, z (impact).” It’s the fear of sounding arrogant that sometimes makes me hesitate to give praise to people properly. Using situation, behavior, impact helps.

Kim Scott

"How to give humble feedback," by Kim Scott. Radical Candor. Accessed August 17, 2022

stages of culture

Stages of culture: Suffer -> Survive -> Thrive

Marcella Bremer

Suffer, survive or thrive in organizational culture? - Leadership & Change Magazine
 

does your blame help?

"Does your blame help the other person get better?"

..."No, my blame wouldn't help the other person get better."

"In fact," Lou continued, "wouldn't blaming provoke that person to be even worse?"

"Well, yes, I guess it would," I said.

"Well then, is that blame serving some other useful purpose toward helping the company and those in it achieve results? Is there some out-of-the-box purpose that is served by blame?"

I didn't know what to say. The truth was there was no out-of-the-box purpose for my blame...

Bud spoke up. "I know what you're thinking about, Tom. You've had the misfortune of working with someone who was often in the box. And it was a tough experience. But notice, in that kind of a situation, it's quite easy for me to get in the box too because the justification is so easy - the other guy's a jerk! But remember, once I get in the box in response, I actually need the other guy to keep being a jerk so that I'll remain justified in blaming him for being a jerk. And I don't need to do anything more than get in the box toward him to keep inviting him to be that way. My blame keeps inviting the very thing I'm blaming him for. Because in the box, I need problems.

"Isn't it far better,' he continued, "to be able to recognize others' boxes without blaming them for being in the box? After all, I know what it's like to be in the box because I'm there some of the time too. Out of the box I understand what it's like to be in the box. And since when I'm out of the box I neither need nor provoke others to be jerks, I can actually ease, rather than exacerbate, tough situations.

Leadership and Self-deception: Getting Out of the Box by Arbinger Institute. Berrett-Koehler. 2002. p.153, 154

my job is curation of our culture

Last March, Microsoft unveiled Tay.ai, a Twitter bot that promised to usher in a new era of human-to-artificial-intelligence conversation.

Within hours, hackers turned Tay into a venom-spewing racist, and the project was quickly shuttered with a public apology.

In the old days of Microsoft, heads surely would have rolled.

But Satya Nadella, 49, a one-time company engineer who took the reins of the $500 billion tech giant three years ago this month, instead sent the Tay team a note of encouragement.

“Keep pushing, and know that I am with you,” he wrote in an e-mail, urging staffers to take the criticism in the right spirit while exercising "deep empathy for anyone hurt by Tay. (The) key is to keep learning and improving.”

The group responded with Zo, a new AI chatbot that debuted in December. So far, no issues.

“It’s so critical for leaders not to freak people out, but to give them air cover to solve the real problem,” Nadella says in an interview with USA TODAY. “If people are doing things out of fear, it’s hard or impossible to actually drive any innovation...”

"What I realize more than ever now is that my job is curation of our culture," says Nadella, who will explore this topic and others in a book due out this fall called Hit Refresh. "If you don't focus on creating a culture that allows people to do their best work, then you’ve created nothing.”

Marco della Cava

"Microsoft's Satya Nadella is counting on culture shock to drive growth" USA Today. Feb. 20, 2017

walk the talk

Inspiring leaders walk the talk. They have character and conviction. They live by a different moral compass. They back up their words with action...

On October 2, 1994, the 49ers were losing to the Eagles 40-8. Head coach George Seifert pulled [Steve] Young from the game. Years of pent-up frustration boiled to the surface. Young was livid and visibly argued with the coach. While it was out of character for Young to show such anger publicly, the players began to perceive him in a different light. They saw a fiery leader committed to winning. The “Steve Young Rant” became a rallying cry for the rest of the season.

Five days later the team played in Detroit. Young got hit so hard an excruciating pain shot up his leg. “Writhing in pain” Young crawled on his elbows to the sideline. The doctors were worried he had injured a nerve and told him not to play. Young overruled them. As long as he could walk, he wanted back in. Two plays after crawling off the field he jogged back to the huddle and completed 17 of 20 passes, leading a come-from-behind victory. “Dude, you really are crazy. You did the death crawl,” one of his teammates said. Young had cemented his leadership role.

The 49ers played like a team with a new conviction. They won the next ten games and ended the season with the number one offense in the league. Young was named MVP, but didn’t feel a sense of accomplishment. In the locker room he gave the speech of his life:

“It’s 34 days to the Super Bowl. We need to make a commitment that every day we do everything we can to put the flag on top of Everest. Let’s go make some history!” Everyone roared. Young had become the leader everyone wanted to rally behind, but only after his actions during the season gave them a reason to follow him.

“Perception is reality. I had worked hard my entire career to establish myself as a leader. But I wasn’t a leader until I was perceived as one. You become a leader in times of trouble,” says Steve Young. “Leaders emerge when things don’t go well. When everyone else starts pointing fingers, a leader takes responsibility.”

Carmine Gallo 

"Hall Of Fame QB Steve Young On Leadership, Character And Conviction" Forbes. Nov. 2, 2016

try to laugh

Have you ever seen an angry driver who, when someone else makes a mistake, reacts as though that person has insulted his honor, his family, his dog, and his ancestors all the way back to Adam? Or have you had an encounter with an overhanging cupboard door left open at the wrong place and the wrong time which has been cursed, condemned, and avenged by a sore-headed victim?

There is an antidote for times such as these: learn to laugh.

I remember loading up our children in a station wagon and driving to Los Angeles. There were at least nine of us in the car, and we would invariably get lost. Instead of getting angry, we laughed. Every time we made a wrong turn, we laughed harder.

Getting lost was not an unusual occurrence for us. Once while heading south to Cedar City, Utah, we took a wrong turn and didn’t realize it until two hours later when we saw the “Welcome to Nevada” signs. We didn’t get angry. We laughed, and as a result, anger and resentment rarely resulted. Our laughter created cherished memories for us.

I remember when one of our daughters went on a blind date. She was all dressed up and waiting for her date to arrive when the doorbell rang. In walked a man who seemed a little old, but she tried to be polite. She introduced him to me and my wife and the other children; then she put on her coat and went out the door. We watched as she got into the car, but the car didn’t move. Eventually our daughter got out of the car and, red faced, ran back into the house. The man that she thought was her blind date had actually come to pick up another of our daughters who had agreed to be a babysitter for him and his wife.

We all had a good laugh over that. In fact, we couldn’t stop laughing. Later, when our daughter’s real blind date showed up, I couldn’t come out to meet him because I was still in the kitchen laughing. Now, I realize that our daughter could have felt humiliated and embarrassed. But she laughed with us, and as a result, we still laugh about it today.

The next time you’re tempted to groan, you might try to laugh instead. It will extend your life and make the lives of all those around you more enjoyable.

Joseph B. Wirthlin

“Come What May, and Love It,” Ensign, Nov 2008, 26–28

uncontrolled force

Anger can be a powerful and positive motivator, useful to move us toward loving action to right wrongs and correct injustice – but it also can become a raging, uncontrolled force.

Gary D. Chapman

Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way. 2007.

acknowledge anger

Because the emotion of anger comes on so suddenly, often we are caught up in a verbal or physical response to the anger before ever consciously acknowledging what is going on inside of us. We are far more likely to make a positive response to our anger if we first acknowledge to ourselves that we are angry. I suggest that you say the words out loud. “I am angry about this! Now what am I going to do?” Such a statement places the issues squarely on the table. You are now not only aware of your own anger, but you have distinguished for yourself the difference between your anger and the action you are going to take. You have set the stage for applying reason to your anger rather than simply being controlled by your emotions. This is an important first step in processing anger positively.

Gary D. Chapman

Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way. 2007.

the challenge of leadership

The challenge of leadership is to be strong, but not rude; be kind, but not weak; be bold, but not bully; be thoughtful, but not lazy; be humble, but not timid; be proud, but not arrogant; have humor, but without folly.

Jim Rohn

"50 Inspiring Quotes on Leadership for Everyone" Time. July 1, 2015

don't blame the lettuce

When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don’t blame the lettuce. You look into the reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or our family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and arguments. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change.

Thich Nhat Hanh

Peace is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life, Bantam Books. 1992.

to be offended is a choice we make

Certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean spirited things do occur in our interactions with other people that would allow us to take offense. However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else.

David A. Bednar

"And Nothing Shall Offend Them," Ensign, Nov. 2006, 90

two questions are paramount

In processing anger toward someone with whom you have a relationship, two questions are paramount: 1. Is my response positive – does it have the potential for dealing with the wrong and healing the relationship? 2. Is my response... designed for the benefit of the person at whom I am angry?

Gary D. Chapman
Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way. Moody Publishers. 2007.

can poison a relationship

Anger repressed can poison a relationship as surely as the cruelest words.

Dr. Joyce Brothers 

Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way by Gary D. Chapman. Moody Publishers. 2007.

dealing with valid anger

How… should [we] deal with… valid anger? I counsel a five-step process: (1) consciously acknowledge to yourself that you are angry; (2) restrain your immediate response; (3) locate the focus of your anger; (4) analyze your options; and (5) take constructive action. As we complete each step, we move toward making our anger productive.

Gary D. Chapman

Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way.  Moody Publishers. 2007.

his calm presence of mind

With the situation as grim as it could be, no one was more conspicuous in his calm presence of mind than [George] Washington, making his rounds on horseback in the rain. They must be “cool but determined,” he had told the men before the battle, when spirits were high. Now, in the face of catastrophe, he was demonstrating what he meant by his own example. Whatever anger or torment or despair he felt, he kept to himself.

David G. McCullough

1776. Simon & Schuster, 2005. p.185