listening for the good

Stephen: First I want to talk about—you have issued another beautiful book inspired by your late mother. It's called Just Shine!. One of the things I understand she says is, you don't know what's going on with someone else. You may disagree with them.

Justice Sotomayor: You have to ask them.

Stephen: Does that come in handy in your job?

Justice Sotomayor: A lot. But she showed me something else, which is you can't really judge people by their opinions because you may differ in them. You may not like what people do. One of my favorite stories—she had a friend who talked nonstop. How many of you have those kinds of friends? I bet a lot of you. They walk in, they never stop talking. My brother and I would scurry out of the room as fast as we could. My brother would probably go out to play basketball. I would go hide in my room and read. My mother would sit there and just listen.

One day after this woman had left, I looked at her and said, "How do you have that patience?" And she said, "Sonia, it can be frustrating moments, but I always remember that she really has such a wonderful heart. When I've been sick, she comes over and she's the first one to bring me food. If I am stuck not having a ride somewhere"—so she didn't drive at the time—"I call her up and she offers before I say anything. Not everybody does that."

She taught me to look for the best in people. That was the lesson that moment gave me, and it's one I look for in my colleagues, you know. I don't agree with them much—at least not with the majority—and they can be really frustrating. And there are moments when I want to scurry out of the room. But I don't. And what I look for to maintain our collegiality is the good in them. My mother was right—there is good in almost everyone. I say "almost everyone" because I was a prosecutor, and there are some evil people.

Sotomayor, Sonia. Interview by Stephen Colbert. The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. YouTube, uploaded by The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, 10 Sept. 2025, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKSzq4keAx8.

know thyself

Know thyself - it's advice as old as the hills, and it's the core of authenticity. When you know yourself, you are comfortable with your strengths and not crippled by your shortcomings. You know your behavioral blind sides and emotional blockages, and you have a modus operandi for dealing with them - you draw on the people around you. Self-awareness gives you the capacity to learn from your mistakes as well as your successes. It enables you to keep growing.

Nowhere is self-awareness more important than in an execution culture, which taps every part of the brain and emotional makeup. Few leaders have the intellectual firepower to be good judges of people, good strategists, and good operating leaders, and at the same time talk to customers and do all the other things the job demands. But if you know where you're short, at least you can reinforce those areas and get some help for your business or unit. You put mechanisms in place to help you get it done. The person who doesn't even recognize where she is lacking never gets it done. 

Larry Bossidy & Ram Charan

Execution: The Discipline of Getting Things Done by Larry Bossidy & Ram Charan with Charles Burck. 2002. Crown Business, NY, NY. p. 81, 82

controlling one’s thoughts

If human emotions largely result from thinking, then one may appreciably control one’s feelings by controlling one’s thoughts – or by changing the internalized sentences, or self-talk, with which one largely created the feeling in the first place.

Albert Ellis

Unfu*k Yourself: Get out of your head and into your life by Gary John Bishop. Harper One. 2017. p.9,10

excessive and unproductive meetings

Excessive and unproductive meetings can lower job satisfaction for several reasons. First, they generally increase fatigue as well as our subjective sense of our workload. You have probably experienced a day of meetings after which you are exhausted and haven’t accomplished much—but where you have gotten a bunch of new assignments. Second, people tend to engage in “surface acting” (faking emotions that are deemed appropriate) during work meetings, which is emotionally draining and correlated with the intention to quit. Finally, researchers have found that the strongest predictor of meeting effectiveness is active involvement by the participants. If you are asking yourself, “Why am I here?” you are not likely to think that the meeting is a good use of your time—which is obviously bad for your work satisfaction.

Arthur C. Brooks

"Meetings are Miserable," The Atlantic. November 17, 2022

name it to tame it

Name It to Tame It is a technique that involves noticing and labeling emotions as they’re happening. Identifying an intense emotion (“naming”) has the effect of reducing the stress and anxiety (“taming”) in the brain and the body that that emotion is causing.

In addition to in-the-moment relief, this practice also strengthens our capacity over time to be with big emotions when they arise, without getting swept up in them.

This technique was first identified by Dr. Daniel Siegel, a psychiatrist, writer, and professor who is also the founding co-director of the Mindful Awareness Research Center at UCLA...

Practicing this technique effectively involves being aware of your body, speaking compassionately to yourself, and using deep, slow breathing.

When you think of a typical cycle of reactive thoughts, it might go like this:

1. Something happens
2. Your body responds: tension, rapid heart rate, faster breathing
3. You might have thoughts like, “This is unbelievable!” / “How could they do this?” / “This isn't fair!”
4. You feel angry, frustrated, rejected, humiliated, afraid, etc.
5. If you’re trying to stop or deny the emotion, you might speak to yourself in reprimanding ways: “What’s wrong with you?” / “Get ahold of yourself!”—which doesn’t work
6. Your body responds with more tension and stress hormones
7. You act out physically or have an emotional outburst

To gently interrupt this cycle, you initiate Name It to Tame It right after you notice your body’s first response. It might look like this:

1. You notice what your body is telling you: that you’re feeling angry, afraid, sad, etc.—and you take a deep, slow breath in
2. You recognize the fact that this situation is upsetting you—without reprimanding yourself—and you slowly exhale
3. You honestly name what you’re feeling: e.g., “anger, anger, anger” or “fear, fear, fear”—and you take a deep, slow breath in
4. Your notice your body slowly calming itself—and you exhale
5. You keep naming and breathing until you feel your body regulating

Naming the emotions creates a kind of healthy distance between you and the reaction. You recognize an important truth: you’re experiencing an emotion, but you aren’t caught up in or controlled by it.

"Name It to Tame It: Label Your Emotions to Overcome Negative Thoughts," by Mindfulness.com. Accessed on April 4, 2023

things can’t shape our decisions

You don’t have to turn this into something. It doesn’t have to upset you. Things can’t shape our decisions by themselves.

Marcus Aurelius

Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. Modern Library. 2003. P.81, Book 6, #52. Also see The Internet Classics Archive | The Meditations by Marcus Aurelius (mit.edu)

concentrate every minute like a roman

Concentrate every minute like a Roman – like a man – on doing what’s in front of you with precise and genuine seriousness, tenderly, willingly, with justice. And on freeing yourself from all other distractions. Yes, you can – if you do everything as if it were the last thing you were doing in your life, and stop being aimless, stop letting your emotions override and what your mind tells you, stop being hypocritical, self-centered, irritable. You see how few things you have to do to live a satisfying and reverent life? If you can manage this, that’s all even the gods can ask of you.

Marcus Aurelius

Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. Modern Library. 2003. p.18, Book 2, #5. Also see The Internet Classics Archive | The Meditations by Marcus Aurelius (mit.edu)

having better arguments

THE BETTER ARGUMENTS PROJECT—a civic initiative founded by Allstate, The Aspen Institute, Facing History and Ourselves, and the Bezos Family Foundation to help bridge divides—was built on the belief that arguments are fundamental to healthy civic life. To effectively address divisions in our society, it proposes we have better arguments, not fewer.

The project characterizes better arguments as emotionally intelligent, rooted in history, and honest about power imbalances. Using five principles for engagement—taking winning off the table, prioritizing relationships, paying attention to context, embracing vulnerability, and making room to transform—the project provides a framework for people to engage with each other on divisive issues.

"How Do We Build a Better Society? Have Better Arguments" The Atlantic (sponsored by Allstate)

See also: https://betterarguments.org/

truth vs. embarrassment

When [Head Coach Monty] Williams was asked how he has evolved since New Orleans, he didn’t shy away from being honest.

“I thought I had the answers,” he said. “I was a lot younger, probably more brash, more stubborn. Now I’m starting to figure out the questions. I’m probably in a place in my life where I’m more apt to listen and delegate more.”

Williams had a reputation for butting heads and it sounds like he’s grown from that.

“I understand the difference between telling someone the truth and embarrassing them and that [used to be] one of my flaws in New Orleans,” he said.

Kellan Olson

"Suns’ Monty Williams always adopting concepts, adapting coaching style," Arizona Sports. May 21, 2019

the difference between emotion and passion

Team members need a keen awareness of the difference between emotion and passion. 

“You don’t want an emotional team; you want a passionate team,” [Coach Herm Edwards] said. “When the pressure mounts the most, you want poise and this sense of, ‘We’ve been here before. We know how to handle this.’ There’s this calmness of when things go crazy … what makes a winning team is to get players that hate to lose more than they win. Teams that have discipline, that are tough — those are the teams that win.”

Anna Katherine Clemmons

"ASU Coach Herm Edwards is Preparing Athletes for Football Season - and Life." USA Today.  November 2019

one in five corporate executives are psychopaths

An Australian study has found that about one in five corporate executives are psychopaths – roughly the same rate as among prisoners. 

The study of 261 senior professionals in the United States found that 21 percent had clinically significant levels of psychopathic traits. The rate of psychopathy in the general population is about one in a hundred.

Nathan Brooks, a forensic psychologist who conducted the study, said the findings suggested that businesses should improve their recruitment screening. 

He said recruiters tend to focus on skills rather than personality features and this has led to firms hiring “successful psychopaths” who may engage in unethical and illegal practices or have a toxic impact on colleagues.

Jonathan Pearlman

"1 in 5 CEOs are psychopaths, study finds." The Telegraph. September 13, 2016

crucial conversations

The ability to engage in crucial conversations, absent from the pervasive authoritarian leadership style of the past, is now recognized as an essential leadership skill. Because emotionally charged conversations can get messy, some leaders still prefer to avoid them, which creates a gap in leadership and can significantly impact employee morale, retention, and the company’s bottom line.

Jody Michael, Jody Michael Associates 

"13 Leadership Skills You Didn't Need A Decade Ago That Are Now Essential." Forbes. December 13, 2016

the healing potency of emotional ties

Perhaps the most telling testimony to the healing potency of emotional ties is a Swedish study published in 1993. All the men living in the Swedish city of Göteborg who were born in 1933 were offered a free medical exam; seven years later the 752 men who had come for the exam were contacted again. Of these, 41 had died in the intervening years.

Men who had originally reported being under intense emotional stress had a death rate three times greater than those who said their lives were calm and placid. The emotional distress was due to events such as serious financial trouble, feeling insecure at work or being forced out of a job, being the object of a legal action, or going through a divorce. Having had three or more of these troubles within the year before the exam was a stronger predictor of dying within the ensuing seven years than were medical indicators such as high blood pressure, high concentrations of blood triglycerides, or high serum cholesterol levels.

Yet among men who said they had a dependable web of intimacy--a wife, close friends, and the like--there was no relationship whatever between high stress levels and death rate. Having people to turn to and talk with, people who could offer solace, help and suggestions, protected them from the deadly impact of life's rigors and trauma.

Daniel Goleman

Emotional Intelligence. Random House LLC, 2006. 358 pages, p.179

retaining your power

Saying your boss makes you feel bad about yourself gives that person power over your emotions. And declaring you have to go to your mother-in-law's house for dinner gives her power over your behavior. Retaining your power is about acknowledging that you are in control over how you think, feel, and behave at all times.

Amy Morin

"13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do" inc.com. Apr. 4, 2017

a damn fine notion

These days, it’s practically meaningless and way too easy to say something “sucks,” or (much) worse. And the rough waters in which we all now work makes it increasingly important to be clear and precise about what is going on emotionally inside and around us — not to be milquetoasty, but to be calibrated. As a person who allowed (and, I confess, still occasionally allows) herself to resort to default swearing, it seems to me that in this laissez faire age, and as we start a new year with new intentions, that it’s a good idea — indeed, a damn fine notion — for business leaders to get more truly creative about their language and use the various linguistic bombs only sparingly.

Anne Kreamer

"Why You Really Shouldn’t Curse at Work (Much)" Harvard Business Review. Dec. 27, 2011

uncontrolled force

Anger can be a powerful and positive motivator, useful to move us toward loving action to right wrongs and correct injustice – but it also can become a raging, uncontrolled force.

Gary D. Chapman

Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way. 2007.

acknowledge anger

Because the emotion of anger comes on so suddenly, often we are caught up in a verbal or physical response to the anger before ever consciously acknowledging what is going on inside of us. We are far more likely to make a positive response to our anger if we first acknowledge to ourselves that we are angry. I suggest that you say the words out loud. “I am angry about this! Now what am I going to do?” Such a statement places the issues squarely on the table. You are now not only aware of your own anger, but you have distinguished for yourself the difference between your anger and the action you are going to take. You have set the stage for applying reason to your anger rather than simply being controlled by your emotions. This is an important first step in processing anger positively.

Gary D. Chapman

Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way. 2007.

a wide spectrum of intelligences

Gardner’s influential 1983 book Frames of Mind was a manifesto refuting the IQ view; it proposed that there was not just one, monolithic kind of intelligence that was crucial for life success, but rather a wide spectrum of intelligences, with seven key varieties. His list includes the two standard academic kinds, verbal and mathematical-logical alacrity, but it goes on to include the spatial capacity seen in, say, an outstanding artist or architect; the kinesthetic genius displayed in the physical fluidity and grace of a Martha Graham or Magic Johnson; and the musical gifts of a Mozart of YoYo Ma. Rounding out the list are two faces of what Gardner calls “the personal intelligences”; interpersonal skills, like those of a great therapist such as Carl Rogers or a world-class leader such as Martin Luther King, Jr., and the “intrapsychic” capacity that could emerge, on the one hand, in the brilliant insights of Sigmund Freud, or, with less fanfare, in the inner contentment that arises from attuning one’s life to be in keeping with one’s true feelings.

Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. Random House LLC, 2006. 358 pages, p.38

two brains, two minds

In a sense we have two brains, two minds – and two different kinds of intelligence: rational and emotional. How we do in life is determined by intelligence: rational and emotional. How we do in life is determined by both – it is not just IQ, but emotional intelligence that matters. Indeed, intellect cannot work at its best without emotional intelligence. Ordinarily, the complementarity of limbic system and neocortex, amygdala and prefrontal lobes, means each is a full partner in mental life. When these partners interact well, emotional intelligence rises – as does intellectual ability. 

This turns the old understanding of the tension between reason and feeling on its head: it is not that we want to do away with emotion and put reason in its place, as Erasmus had it, but instead find the intelligent balance of the two. The old paradigm held an ideal of reason freed of the pull of emotion. The new paradigm urges us to harmonize head and heart. To do that well in our lives means we must first understand more exactly what it means to use emotion intelligently.

Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. Random House LLC, 2006. 358 pages p.28, 29

everyone is important

Feeling entirely at home with persons of high or lowly rank [George Albert Smith] rejected the idea of class distinctions. When his friends urged him to meet someone because he was ‘a very important person’, George had a standard reply. “Of course he is,” he would say, “Everyone is important. I don’t think you can classify human beings on the basis of their importance. Some people may be more influential than others; some may be more capable, some more prominent, and some may have greater responsibilities than others, but no one is more important than anyone else.”

Against the Odds: The Life of George Albert Smith by Mary Jane Woodger. 2011. Covenant Communications.