the things that make him angry

A man is about as big as the things that make him angry.


Winston Churchill
Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way. Gary D. Chapman. Moody Publishers. 2007.

remember our conflicts

When we remember our conflicts and reflect on them, they are like mirrors that can teach us things about ourselves that are otherwise difficult to discover. If we permit them, our conflicts will show us where we are weak, defensive, prideful, or otherwise in need of repair.


Gerald R. Williams

"Learning from Our Conflicts" BYU Speeches. 7/27/2006

how we process anger

Understanding how we process anger – our own and others’ – is helpful in learning how to deal with it on the job. If women understand that men are wired by nature to be more aggressive – with more of their behavior driven by the more primitive part of their brains, the amygdala, and the secretion of epinephrine and cortisol – then male anger should become less disturbing for them. We would know not to take it so personally. If women more clearly understand why they experience a double-whammy speedball when they get angry – that the oxytocin in their bodies is in conflict with the norepinephrine that they also produce when under attack – then they might be less negatively judgmental about their own and other women’s anger. If both genders realize that, as Browde says, “the suppression of an emotional response to being demeaned and belittled in the workplace has physiologic effects and can result in symptoms such as insomnia, irritability, anxiety, panic, and even depression,” then all of us might try harder not to upset each other.

Anne Kreamer

It’s Always Personal: Navigating Emotion in the New Workplace. 2011. Random House.

effective anger

In Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion, Carol Tavris notes that in order for the expression of anger to be effective, four criteria must be met: 

1. the anger must be directed at the target of your anger
2. the expression of anger must restore your sense of control over the situation and your sense of justice; it must inflict appropriate harm on the other person
3. the expression of anger must change the behavior of the target or give you new insights
4. you and your target must speak the same anger language.

Anne Kreamer

It’s Always Personal: Navigating Emotion in the New Workplace. 2011. Random House.

tears

Psychic tears aren’t specific to any single emotion but are rather the uniquely visible testament that one has experienced something overwhelming – anger, awe, love, fear, pride, embarrassment, or sadness. From the tears of joy at a wedding or the birth of a child to the tears of anger or outrage – often catalyzed by feelings of powerlessness – at a slight, to the tears of grief at the death of a loved one, each emotion elicits a different intensity and duration of crying. Psychic or emotional tears, because they are exceptional, force us and those around us to acknowledge that something important has just happened – my boyfriend proposed to me, my boss yelled at me, I was deeply moved by a sense of the divine, my dog died – and that we should pause and take a moment for reflection.

Anne Kreamer

It’s Always Personal: Navigating Emotion in the New Workplace. 2011. Random House.

express more emotions at work

I suggest that if men and women were to express more emotions at work routinely and easily – jokes, warmth, sadness, anger, tears, all of it – then as a people we might not implode emotionally so frequently, or feel the need to gawk at others emoting in inappropriate ways. If we can openly acknowledge our gender-based biological and neurological differences, we can feel freer to tackle whatever challenges we face at full capacity.

Anne Kreamer

It’s Always Personal: Navigating Emotion in the NewWorkplace. 2011. Random House.

5 questions to get the most from anger

1. What wrong do I want to right?
2. What am I willing to do to make things better?
3. What am I missing?
4. What do I want for us?
5. What can I do today to move toward better?

Bonus: What behaviors will make me proud tomorrow?

Anger is one of the most powerful human emotions. Suppressing or ignoring it is dangerous. Learn to leverage anger’s power by focusing it on positive behaviors.

Dan Rockwell

"How to Let Yourself Be Angry" Leadership Freak. 1/18/2015

toxic leadership

[Tony] Fadell’s reputation for being intense, very animated, and prone to raise his voice (not necessarily in anger) spilled over to push the Nest team. Carr wrote, "A meme is floating around the office comparing Fadell's style to that of the Mountain in Game of Thrones, the towering brawler known for beating his opponents to a pulp. But surviving as a startup consumer electronic brand requires just that sort of attitude." Another anecdote reveals: "When one employee failed to live up to his standards, Fadell ordered a manager to fire the employee, saying, "You gotta Glock Glock that dude," as he mimed shooting off a handgun. He was joking, but unapologetic."

All of that fist-banging and hard driving for perfection is supposed to bring out the best in his employees, according to his cofounder Matt Rogers. "But at the same time, he is incredibly caring and passionate about their development," Rogers said.

You can’t develop much of anything under such circumstances, according to workplace experts. As psychologist Paul White notes, toxic leadership may appear successful for a while. "Over the long term, their attitudes and actions catch up with them," he says, "Trust and teamwork deteriorate in their areas; they have a high turnover rate in their department, and they will eventually destroy the health of the organization."

Lindsay McGregor and Neel Doshi, co-authors of Primed to Perform, underscore the importance of total motivation and how it erodes or boosts bottom line results. "In one company we surveyed, salespeople with positive "total motivation" produced 28% more revenue than their more negatively motivated counterparts."

Lydia Dishman

"What's Going On At Nest?" FastCompany. 2/17/2016

the wise use of humor

Another tool that can turn the tide of anger into a calming wave of peace is the wise use of humor. Anger can be kindled when one unkind remark is followed by a retaliatory response from another. If you find yourself in a tense situation, even if it appears a negative response is warranted, the use of humor where appropriate will often endear you to others.

Someone once made the disparaging remark to Abraham Lincoln that he was “two-faced.” Without being the least bit offended, President Lincoln gave the clever response: “I leave it to my audience. If I had another face, do you think I’d wear this one?” (quoted in Russell Freedman, Lincoln: A Photobiography [1987], 1, 4).

Gordon T. Watts

“Slow to Anger,” Ensign, Feb. 2003, 59

he had gone too far

As he began forging his political ambitions, Lincoln recognized the power of words to weaken and even destroy his opponents, and so he started to attack them with powerful volleys of criticism and mockery. Upon provocation at a political gathering in 1840, Lincoln mimicked and ridiculed his opponent, Jess Thomas, to uproarious cheering of the crowd. Thomas, who was present at the event, was reduced to tears, and for years afterwards, the people referred to it as "the skinning of Thomas." 

Lincoln was also in the habit of writing anonymous letters to newspapers to sharply criticize his adversaries. On one occasion in 1842, for instance, he used the fictitious identity of "Rebecca" to castigate and deride the state auditor, James Shields, calling him "a fool and a liar" in a letter, and making mock-allegations of an unflattering conversation that James had had with Rebecca. 

But the Lincoln we know as president was not this brash, impulsive politician who launched personal attacks on his opponents. What made him change? All along, something had been stirring within him. Right after the "skinning of Thomas" in 1840, one of his friends reported that "…the recollection of his own conduct that evening filled [Lincoln] with the deepest chagrin. He felt he had gone too far and to rid his good nature of a load, hunted up Thomas and made ample apology," according to an excerpt in Benjamin Thomas, Lincoln's Humor: An Analysis. 

This inner stirring intensified when some of his verbal attacks drew unfavorable consequences for Lincoln himself. In fact, when the letter he signed as "Rebecca" was published, the recipient of his reproach, Shields, was so enraged that he forced the newspaper to divulge the writer's identity, and, when he was told that it was Lincoln, accosted Lincoln and challenged him to a duel. Good sense prevailed on both men just moments before they were to commence this fight-unto-death. Having learned a lesson by coming so close to an inglorious death, Lincoln never wrote such anonymous letters again. 

Gradually molding his character this way, Lincoln also became highly attuned to the feelings of others, including his enemies, and highly measured in the way he communicated in adversarial situations. This was a crucial quality for leading America at a time when the nation was so divided, and the wounds of a Civil War had to be rapidly healed. Once, as he and his wife Mary Todd Lincoln were approaching Washington in a carriage, she remarked, "This city is full of enemies," Lincoln injected, "Enemies? Never again must we repeat that word."

Hitendra Wadhwa

"Lessons in Leadership: How Lincoln Became America's Greatest President." Inc. Magazine. Feb 12, 2012.

the talk goes back and forth

It is surprising how often we simply react to what someone else has said or done. Two people will often fall into a pattern of discourse that resembles a negotiation but really has no such purpose whatsoever. They disagree with each other over some issue, and the talk goes back and forth as though they were seeking agreement. In fact, the argument is being carried on as a ritual, or simply a pastime. Each is engaged in scoring points against the other or in gathering evidence to confirm views about the other that have long been held and are not about to change. Neither party is seeking agreement or is even trying to influence the other.

Roger Fisher, William L. Ury & Bruce Patton 

Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In (The Harvard Negotiation Project). Penguin. 2011. P.54

the righter you sound, the madder I get

“The righter you sound, the madder I get.”

…When the origin of an idea is more important than the idea itself, that’s a matter of pride.

Ken Blanchard and Phil Hodges

The Servant Leader: Transforming You Heart, Head, Hands & Habits. 2003. J.Countryman

the air charged

My experience has been that there are times to teach and times not to teach. When relationships are strained and the air charged with emotion, an attempt to teach is often perceived as a form of judgment and rejection.

Stephen R. Covey 

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change. Simon and Schuster. p.40

anyone can become angry

Anyone can become angry – that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not easy.

Aristotle

The Nicomachean Ethics, as quoted in Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. Random House LLC, 2006. 358 pages. p.xix

emotional brilliance

If the test of social skill is the ability to calm distressing emotions in others, then handling someone at the peak of rage is perhaps the ultimate measure of mastery. The data on self-regulation of anger and emotional contagion suggest that one effective strategy might be to distract the angry person, empathize with his feelings and perspective, and then draw him into an alternative focus, one that attunes him with a more positive range of feeling – a kind of emotional judo.

Such refined skill in the fine art of emotional influence is perhaps best exemplified by the late Terry Dobson, who in the 1950s was one of the first Americans ever to study the martial art Aikido in Japan:

One afternoon he was riding home on a suburban Tokyo train when a huge, bellicose, very drunk and begrimed laborer got on. The man, staggering, began terrorizing the passengers, screaming curses, he took a swing at a woman holding a baby, sending her sprawling in the laps of an elderly couple, who then jumped up and joined a stampede to the other end of the car.

The drunk, taking a few other swings (and, in his rage, missing), grabbed the metal pole in the middle of the car with a roar and tried to tear it out of its socket. At that point Terry, who was in peak physical condition from daily eight hour Aikido workouts, felt called upon to intervene, lest someone get seriously hurt.

But he recalled the words of his teacher: “Aikido is the art of reconciliation. Whoever has the mind to fight has broken his connection with the universe. If you try to dominate people you are already defeated. We study how to resolve conflict, not how to start it.” Indeed, Terry had agreed upon beginning lessons with his teacher never to pick a fight, and to use his martial-arts skills only in defense.

Now, at last, he saw his chance to test his Aikido abilities in real life, in what was clearly a legitimate opportunity.

So, as all the other passengers sat frozen in their seats, Terry stood up, slowly and with deliberation. Seeing him, the drunk roared, “Aha! A foreigner! You need a lesson in Japanese manners!” and began gathering himself to take on Terry. But just as the drunk was on the verge of making his move, someone gave an ear-splitting, oddly joyous shout: “Hey!” The shout had the cheery tone of someone who has suddenly come upon a fond friend.

The drunk, surprised, spun around to see a tiny Japanese man, probably in his seventies, sitting there in a kimono. The old man beamed with delight at the drunk, and beckoned him over with a light wave of his hand and a lilting “C’mere.” The drunk strode over with a belligerent, “Why the hell should I talk to you?”

Meanwhile, Terry was ready to fell the drunk in a moment if he made the least violent move. “What’cha been drinking?” the old man asked, his eyes beaming at the drunken laborer. “I been drinking sake, and it’s none of your business,” the drunk bellowed. “Oh, that’s wonderful, absolutely wonderful,” the old man replied in a warm tone. “You see, I love sake, too.

Every night, me and my wife (she’s seventy-six, you know), we warm up a little bottle of sake and take it out into the garden, and we sit on an old wooden bench . . .” He continued on about the persimmon tree in his backyard, the fortunes of his garden, enjoying sake in the evening.

The drunk’s face began to soften as he listened to the old man; his fists unclenched. “Yeah … I love persimmons, too .. . ,” he said, his voice trailing off. “Yes,” the old man replied in a sprightly voice, “and I’m sure you have a wonderful wife.” “No,” said the laborer. “My wife died….” Sobbing, he launched into a sad tale of losing his wife, his home, his job, of being ashamed of himself.

Just then the train came to Terry’s stop, and as he was getting off he turned to hear the old man invite the drunk to join him and tell him all about it, and to see the drunk sprawl along the seat, his head in the old man’s lap.

This is emotional brilliance.

Daniel Goleman

Emotional Intelligence. Random House LLC, 2006. 358 pages, p.124-126

the samurai and the monk

A belligerent samurai, an old Japanese tale goes, once challenged a Zen master to explain the concept of heaven and hell. But the monk replied with scorn, “You’re nothing but a lout – I can’t waste my time with the likes of you!”

His very honor attacked, the samurai flew into a rage and pulling his sword from its scabbard, yelled, “I could kill you for your impertinence.” “That,” the monk calmly replied, “is hell.”

Startled at seeing the truth in what the master pointed out about the fury that had him in its grip, the samurai calmed down, sheathed his sword, and bowed, thanking the monk for the insight.

“And that,” said the monk, “is heaven.”

The sudden awakening of the samurai to his own agitated state illustrates the crucial difference between being caught up in a feeling and becoming aware that you are being swept away by it. Socrates’s injunction “Know thyself” speaks to this keystone of emotional intelligence: awareness of one’s own feelings as they occur.

Daniel Goleman

Emotional Intelligence. Random House LLC, 2006. 358 pages, p.46

few among us would have qualified

We were soon transferred to the Johannesburg Prison, popularly known as the Fort, a bleak, castle-like structure located on a hill in the heart of the city. Upon admission we were taken to an outdoor triangle and ordered to strip completely and line up against the wall. We were forced to stand there for more than an hour, shivering in the breeze and feeling awkward – priests, professors, doctors, lawyers, businessmen, men of middle or old age, who were normally treated with deference and respect. Despite my anger, I could not suppress a laugh as I scrutinized the men around me. For the first time, the truth of the aphorism “clothes make the man” came home to me. If fine bodies and impressive physiques were essential to being a leader I saw that few among us would have qualified.

Nelson Mandela

Long Walk to Freedom: The Autobiography of Nelson Mandela. Back Bay Books. 1995.  p. 200, 201

does this need to be said?

There is this idea that people are meaner than they used to be because of the internet... People are no meaner than they used to be - people have always been #@*%&! #@*%&!'s... What happens is that the technology is just faster.... You have this crazy idea, a crazy angry thought, "I've got a crazy angry thought!" and clickety click click click and boom! - it's out. And you don't have time to slow down and ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything, which is: 

1. Does this need to be said?

2. Does this need to be said by me?

3. Does this need to be said by me now?

Three #@*%&! marriages it took me to learn that.

Craig Ferguson

"Does This Need to Be Said?" 2011.

respect behaviors

10 things that make people feel disrespected:

1. Looking at computer screens and cell phones during conversations.
2. Outburst of anger.
3. Cursing and slang.
4. One sided conversations. Not listening.
5. Wasting people’s time.
6. Asking people to re-do work, even though clear instructions weren’t given up front.
7. Not following up.
8. Not showing up for meetings.
9. Aggressiveness.
10. Lies.

7 ways to show respect:

1. Speak to aspirations.
2. Talk more about strengths than weaknesses.
3. Ask, “What do you think?”
4. Take time to ponder suggestions.
5. Focus on issues not personalities during disagreements.
6. Say please and thank you.
7. Feeling understood.

Dan Rockwell

"The Leadership Behavior Most Employees Want." Leadership Freak. 8/11/2015

demonstrated the resilience

Before Jimmy Carter sat in front of the microphones Thursday morning at the Carter Center in Atlanta to discuss his cancer diagnosis, some speculated the former president might use the moment to raise public awareness about the disease.

As a man who has a family history of cancer and has devoted his post-presidency to championing a vast array of complex causes, it made sense. The health-related news conference, itself an unusual move for a former president, could be the start of yet another area of advocacy for Carter.

But while such efforts may be yet to come, Carter's news conference did not launch research initiatives or public platforms for cancer advocacy. When asked what message he had for others, there was no public-health speech for the masses.

Instead, there was simply Carter: gracious, smiling, honest, at ease. The 90-year-old former president spoke openly about his diagnosis—doctors have found four small spots of melanoma on his brain—and how he was feeling. He shared details about the medications his doctors were using and said his first radiation treatment would be Thursday afternoon.

He also shared the story of telling Rosalynn, how he plans to still teach Sunday School this weekend in Plains, Ga., and what he felt when he heard the news. "I was pleasantly surprised that I didn’t go into an attitude of despair or anger," he told reporters. "I was just completely at ease. ... I've been very grateful for that part of that. I'm ready for anything."

In doing so, Carter gave us yet another model for responding to a setback. A man who will be best remembered not for his presidency but for what he accomplished after he lost it, Carter has again demonstrated the resilience that has been a driving factor in his life and career.

Jena McGregor

"Even in cancer diagnosis, Jimmy Carter shows leadership." The Washington Post. 8/20/2015