does your blame help?

"Does your blame help the other person get better?"

..."No, my blame wouldn't help the other person get better."

"In fact," Lou continued, "wouldn't blaming provoke that person to be even worse?"

"Well, yes, I guess it would," I said.

"Well then, is that blame serving some other useful purpose toward helping the company and those in it achieve results? Is there some out-of-the-box purpose that is served by blame?"

I didn't know what to say. The truth was there was no out-of-the-box purpose for my blame...

Bud spoke up. "I know what you're thinking about, Tom. You've had the misfortune of working with someone who was often in the box. And it was a tough experience. But notice, in that kind of a situation, it's quite easy for me to get in the box too because the justification is so easy - the other guy's a jerk! But remember, once I get in the box in response, I actually need the other guy to keep being a jerk so that I'll remain justified in blaming him for being a jerk. And I don't need to do anything more than get in the box toward him to keep inviting him to be that way. My blame keeps inviting the very thing I'm blaming him for. Because in the box, I need problems.

"Isn't it far better,' he continued, "to be able to recognize others' boxes without blaming them for being in the box? After all, I know what it's like to be in the box because I'm there some of the time too. Out of the box I understand what it's like to be in the box. And since when I'm out of the box I neither need nor provoke others to be jerks, I can actually ease, rather than exacerbate, tough situations.

Leadership and Self-deception: Getting Out of the Box by Arbinger Institute. Berrett-Koehler. 2002. p.153, 154