verbal judo

Verbal Judo is a means of using language to get someone to comply voluntarily with your original request. Unpleasant confrontations are more likely to occur if an officer talks, without conscious thought, to someone on the street. "Stop doing what you are doing!" Get over here now! Stay calm and be reasonable!" These are all natural ways to speak in a tense and difficult situation. However, by using a demanding voice or loaded words, you may only further escalate the tension, which could result in violence.

It's no wonder, then, that an individual who has been yelled at by a police officer would turn around and start cursing at the officer, even making derogatory remarks about the officer's mother. Once riled up, they may start moving around in unpredictable and threatening ways. Once someone starts acting or speaking abnormally or becomes threatening, we've been instructed on how to use an appropriate level of force when justified, even up to nonlethal weapons like pepper spray or a baton if the circumstances move to that level. I've been pepper sprayed at the police academy, and it's simply not pleasant. Anything we can do to avoid this or the use of any weapon is certainly preferable. 

So we learned how to avoid this unconscious kind of speaking by relying on Verbal Judo, which seeks voluntary compliance through a deliberate way of speaking that's actually quite unnatural to most of us. For example, we were instructed to say, "For your safety and mine, you need to stop doing what you are doing." Depending on the situation, we may say, "Is there anything else I can say or do to get you to do A, B, or C?" or, "I would like to help you here, so let's talk through what just happened." We were also taught to give people options. "You can stop doing what you're doing, or here is another option: I will put you in this police car, take you to the station, and book you. You will probably miss work tomorrow. Or remember the other option - you can stop doing what you are doing." These are more engaging, less threatening methods of interacting, but they definitely take practice and deliberate, conscious thought.

Laura A. Liswood

The Loudest Duck: Moving Beyond Diversity While Embracing Differences to Achieve Success at Work by Laura A. Liswood. Wiley. 2010. p.115, 116

make your bed every morning

If you make your bed every morning you will have accomplished the first task of the day. It will give you a small sense of pride, and it will encourage you to do another task and another and another. By the end of the day, that one task completed will have turned into many tasks completed. Making your bed will also reinforce the fact that little things in life matter. If you can’t do the little things right, you will never do the big things right.

Admiral William H. McCraven

Make Your Bed: Little Things That Can Change Your Life...And Maybe the World by William H. McCraven. Grand Central Publishing. 2017. As found in 2022 Great Quotes From Great Leaders Boxed Calendar: 365 Inspirational Quotes From Leaders Who Shaped the World.

like what you do

Do your best. But like it! Like what you do and then you will do your best. If you don’t like it, shame on you.

Katherine Johnson

"Katherine Johnson (1918-2020): Former NASA Research Mathematician," NASA. As found in 2022 Great Quotes From Great Leaders Boxed Calendar: 365 Inspirational Quotes From Leaders Who Shaped the World.

who never makes a mistake

Roosevelt is no more infallible than the rest of us. Over and over again I have seen him pause when he had decided upon his line of action, and review it to see where there was a chance for mistake. Finding none, he would issue his order with the sober comment: “There, we have done the best we could. If there is any mistake we will make it right. The fear of it shall not deter us from doing our duty. The only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything.”

Theodore Roosevelt

1900 August, The American Monthly Review of Reviews, Volume 22, Number 2, Theodore Roosevelt by Jacob A. Riis, Start Page 181, Quote Page 184, Column 2, Published by The Review of Reviews Company, New York. (Google Books Full View). As found in 2022 Great Quotes From Great Leaders Boxed Calendar: 365 Inspirational Quotes From Leaders Who Shaped the World. See also "The Person Who Never Makes a Mistake Will Never Make Anything," Quote Investigator. December 16, 20214. 

This was a popular phrase widely in circulation at the time of Theodore Roosevelt's statement. Here are some of my favorites:

• 1832: It has been justly observed, that he who never makes an effort, never risks a failure, and, “In great attempts ’tis glorious to fail!” (The New Sporting Magazine)
• 1859: We learn wisdom from failure more than from success: we often discover what will do, by finding out what will not do; and he who never made a mistake, never made a discovery. (Samuel Smiles)
• 1897: THE INFALLIBLE MAN - There was a man who never made, A blunder in his life; He loved a girl, but was afraid, If she became his wife, That he or she might rue the day, That brought them bliss; and so, He put the happiness away, That wedded lovers know. (The Concatenated Order of Hoo-Hoo)
• 1903: The man who does things makes many mistakes, but he never makes the biggest mistake of all—doing nothing. (Poor Richard Junior’s Philosophy)
• 1903: ‘He who never does anything wrong, seldom, if ever, does anything right,’ and a man whom I know you particularly admire expresses the same thing when he says, ‘A man who never makes mistakes, never makes anything.’ All the wise men of all ages have called attention to the one trait in which all humanity is alike, namely the liability to make mistakes. (Leo Tolstoy)

poor “gardening” techniques

Let’s imagine for a moment that you are a gardener. Do any of the actions below seem like a good idea?

• Planting a seed and then digging it back up from time to time to check its progress
• Forcing open a flower bud with your fingernails because it isn’t opening fast enough
• Pulling on a tree limb because it’s not growing fast enough to provide shade

Hopefully you answered a resounding NO to all three of these scenarios. Any of those actions will inhibit the healthy growth of the seed, flower, or plant. Interestingly enough however, you CAN influence the environment each of these items are in to accelerate the desired outcomes.

In a similar way, I believe some leaders and managers practice poor “gardening” techniques with the people on their team when they are too helpful. They think that giving others all the answers to the situations they encounter will result in a healthy team member. It won’t. They are actually creating someone who will be dependent on them to solve future issues or challenges because they haven’t cultivated their analytical thinking skills, creativity, or confidence in their abilities.

...Before you drift to an unhealthy level of helping, ask yourself, “Will taking this action improve the ability of this team member to solve problems on their own in the future?” or “Is this going to help the organization build future leaders?” or even “Is this action going to help me grow this team member so that I can rely on them for bigger things in the future?” If the answer is no, consider one of the options below to improve your approach..

When a team member comes to you seeking advice or guidance, resist the urge to immediately tell them an answer. Instead, be prepared with questions like:

• What actions have you taken so far to solve the problem?
• What do you think needs to be done in this situation?
• Tell me what you see as the main issue here.
• What do you think we should do next to address the issue?
• What solution would you choose if I wasn’t here?
• What solution do you think I’m going to offer?
• How can I help you take the next step?

And don’t forget… when you ask these questions, really listen to their ideas.

Jones Loflin

"Why Being Too Helpful Is A Bad Habit For Leaders," by Jones Loflin. jonesloflin.com Accessed on June 22, 2022.