how we can be more helpful to others

A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. You can use this material to blame just as well as you can use anything else. Merely knowing the material doesn't get you out of the box. Living it does. And we're not living it if we're using it to diagnose others. Rather, we're living it when we're using it to learn how we can be more helpful to others...

Knowing the material

• Self-betrayal leads to self-deception and "the box."
• When you're in the box, you can't focus on results.
• Your influence and success will depend on being out of the box.
• You get out of the box as you cease resisting other people.

Living the material

• Don't try to be perfect. Do try to be better.
• Don't use the vocabulary - "the box," and so on - with people who don't already know it. Do use the principles in your own life.
• Don't look for others' boxes. Do look for your own.
• Don't accuse others of being in the box. Do try to stay out of the box yourself.
• Don't give up on yourself when you discover you've been in the box. Do keep trying.
• Don't deny you've been in the box when you have been. Do apologize, then just keep marching forward, trying to be more helpful to others in the future. 
• Don't focus on what others are doing wrong. Do focus on what you can do right to help.
• Don't worry whether others are helping you. Do worry whether you are helping others.

Leadership and Self-deception: Getting Out of the Box by Arbinger Institute. Berrett-Koehler. 2002. p.165,166

being free of self-betrayal

Your success as a leader depends on being free of self-betrayal. Only then do you invite others to be free of self-betrayal themselves. Only then are you creating leaders yourself - coworkers whom people will respond to, trust, and want to work with.

Leadership and Self-deception: Getting Out of the Box by Arbinger Institute. Berrett-Koehler. 2002. p.154

does your blame help?

"Does your blame help the other person get better?"

..."No, my blame wouldn't help the other person get better."

"In fact," Lou continued, "wouldn't blaming provoke that person to be even worse?"

"Well, yes, I guess it would," I said.

"Well then, is that blame serving some other useful purpose toward helping the company and those in it achieve results? Is there some out-of-the-box purpose that is served by blame?"

I didn't know what to say. The truth was there was no out-of-the-box purpose for my blame...

Bud spoke up. "I know what you're thinking about, Tom. You've had the misfortune of working with someone who was often in the box. And it was a tough experience. But notice, in that kind of a situation, it's quite easy for me to get in the box too because the justification is so easy - the other guy's a jerk! But remember, once I get in the box in response, I actually need the other guy to keep being a jerk so that I'll remain justified in blaming him for being a jerk. And I don't need to do anything more than get in the box toward him to keep inviting him to be that way. My blame keeps inviting the very thing I'm blaming him for. Because in the box, I need problems.

"Isn't it far better,' he continued, "to be able to recognize others' boxes without blaming them for being in the box? After all, I know what it's like to be in the box because I'm there some of the time too. Out of the box I understand what it's like to be in the box. And since when I'm out of the box I neither need nor provoke others to be jerks, I can actually ease, rather than exacerbate, tough situations.

Leadership and Self-deception: Getting Out of the Box by Arbinger Institute. Berrett-Koehler. 2002. p.153, 154

seeing others as people

Being out of the box and seeing others as people doesn't mean that I'm suddenly bombarded with burdensome obligations. That's because the basic obligation I have as a person - which is to see others as they are, as people - is satisfied, in many cases, by the fundamental change in my way of being with others that happens when I get out of the box.

Leadership and Self-deception: Getting Out of the Box by Arbinger Institute. Berrett-Koehler. 2002. p.147

what doesn't work in the box

What doesn't work in the box.

1. Trying to change others

2. Doing my best to "cope" with others

3. Leaving

4. Communicating

5. Implementing new skills or techniques

6. Changing my behavior

How to get out of the box.

...the moment I see another as a person, with needs, hopes, and worries as real and legitimate as my own - I'm out of the box.

Leadership and Self-deception: Getting Out of the Box by Arbinger Institute. Berrett-Koehler. 2002. p.136,144