reason to stay in the box

"To begin with," Lou continued, "it helps to understand how we don't get out of the box."

He turned to the board and wrote: "What doesn't work in the box."

"To begin with," he said, turning back to me, "think about the things we try to do when we're in the box. For example, in the box, who do we think has the problem?"

"Others," I answered.

"That's right," he said, "so normally we spend a lot of energy in the box trying to change others. But does that work? Does that get us out of the box?"

"No."

"Why not?" he asked.

"Well, because that's the problem in the first place," I said. "I'm trying to change them because, in the box, I think they need to be changed. And that's the problem."

"But does that mean no one needs to be changed?" Lou asked. "Is everyone doing things just perfectly then? Is that what you're saying - that no one needs to improve?"

I felt a little stupid when he asked the question. Come on, Callum, I said to myself. Think! I wasn't being careful enough. "No, or course not. Everyone needs to improve."

"Well, then," he said, "Why not the other guy? What's wrong if I want him to improve?"

That was a good question. What is wrong with that? I asked myself. I thought that's what all this meant, but at that moment I wasn't so sure. "I'm not sure," I said.

"Well, think about it this way. While it's true that others may have problems they need to solve, are their problems the reason I'm in the box?"

"No," I said. "That's what you think in the box, but it's a misperception."

"Exactly," said Lou. "So even if I were successful and the person I tried to change actually changed, would that solve the problem of my being in the box?"

"No, I guess it wouldn't."

"That's right, it wouldn't - even if the other person actually did change."

"And it's even worse than that," Bud interjected. "Think about what we talked about yesterday regarding collusion: When I'm in the box and try to get others to change, do I invite them to change as I'd like?"

"No," I said. "You'll end up provoking just the opposite." 

"Exactly," Bud said. "My box ends up provoking more of the very thing I set out to change. So if I try to get out by changing others, I'll end up provoking others to give me reason to stay in the box."

Leadership and Self-deception: Getting Out of the Box by Arbinger Institute. Berrett-Koehler. 2002. p.129-130