we do not listen to understand

Think about it, the word listen and the word silent are spelled with the same letters.

In order to be a good listener, we first need to learn how to be silent.

That includes, not thinking about how you’re going to reply when another person is talking.

“The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply,” Stephen Covey.

Even though you might have a lot to say, sometimes it’s best not to respond.

In silence, without distractions, that’s when people feel respected and appreciated.

Emily Rice

"Listen to Understand not to Reply," Norhart Blog. January 18, 2019

if that's respect, then I want none of it

I wish I could say that the need to improve listening skills and less-than-perfect coordination happened only in the past. But the tragic sinking of a Japanese fishing boat off Honolulu by the submarine USS Greenville suggests otherwise. The moment I heard about it, I was reminded that, as is often the case with accidents, someone senses possible danger but doesn't necessarily speak up. As the Greenville investigation unfolded, I read in a New York Times article that the submarine's crew "respected the commanding officer too much to question his judgement." If that's respect, then I want none of it. You need to have people in your organization that can tap you on your shoulder and say, "Is this the best way?" or "Slow down," or "Think about this," or "Is what we are doing worth killing or injuring somebody?"

D. Michael Abrashoff

It's Your Ship: Management Techniques from the Best Damn Ship in the Navy by D. Michael Abrashoff. Grand Central Publishing. 2007. p.91,92

dropping all pretenses

Here’s a shocker: your people already know you have flaws! So if you make a mistake, admit it. If you need help, ask for it. When leaders admit their mistakes and ask for help, it creates stronger, more trusting relationships with team members.

Dropping all pretenses and letting your people get to know the person behind the title won’t cause them to lose respect for you. Quite the opposite. It will allow them to see you for who you really are—a confident leader who cares about their people and is comfortable in their own skin.

Ken Blanchard

"Everyone Benefits When Leaders Get Real," Linkedin Article. May 12, 2022

leadership that pulls

For fourteen years, my father conducted one of the country’s leading amateur Bach choirs in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. For a few of those years, I played in the orchestra and had the opportunity to watch his work up close.

My father’s voice was so soft it was often hard to hear in normal conversation, and on a crowded stage, practically impossible. Yet I noticed that when he spoke during rehearsals, not a single musician ever missed a word. Why not? Because when he began speaking, they would grow so quiet a dropped pin would have sounded like the cannonfire in the 1812 Overture.

He would speak — and everyone would lean in, craning to hear his every word.

He pulled them in.

I saw the most cynical, don’t-tell-me New York union musicians turn into putty when my father made a suggestion to start this passage with an up-bow, or to take that passage sotto voce so we could more clearly hear the tenors. People would turn themselves inside out to follow him — and they would follow him anywhere.

There were two reasons for this. First was that he was superb at what he did. He knew this music inside and out; it was in his bones; it was his life.

And second? He treated them with absolute respect. He didn’t tell them what to do; he collaborated with them…

Take an ordinary window fan and place it in a window, blowing inward. Switch it on. How far can you push a column of air into the room? Not far: within a few feet it starts doubling back on itself. But now, reverse the fan’s position so that it is blowing out — and you can pull that column of air all the way from a single open window clear on the other side of the house, even hundreds of feet away.

There is leadership that pushes. And there is leadership that pulls.

How far can you push people? Only so far. How far can you pull them? An awfully long way, if your leadership style embraces total respect for those you lead as its foundation.

When that second kind of leadership speaks — even when in a voice as soft as my father’s — people listen, because they feel valued, and because of that, they trust.

That kind of leadership, we’ll follow anywhere.

John David Mann

"Leadership That Pulls," Huffpost. April 30, 2016

find a what, a who, and a why

We identified three big buckets of motivators: career, community, and cause.

Career is about work: having a job that provides autonomy, allows you to use your strengths, and promotes your learning and development. It’s at the heart of intrinsic motivation.

Community is about people: feeling respected, cared about, and recognized by others. It drives our sense of connection and belongingness.

Cause is about purpose: feeling that you make a meaningful impact, identifying with the organization’s mission, and believing that it does some good in the world. It’s a source of pride.

These three buckets make up what’s called the psychological contract — the unwritten expectations and obligations between employees and employers. When that contract is fulfilled, people bring their whole selves to work. But when it’s breached, people become less satisfied and committed. They contribute less. They perform worse.

In the past, organizations built entire cultures around just one aspect of the psychological contract. You could recruit, motivate, and retain people by promising a great career or a close-knit community or a meaningful cause. But we’ve found that many people want more. In our most recent survey, more than a quarter of Facebook employees rated all three buckets as important. They wanted a career and a community and a cause. And 90% of our people had a tie in importance between at least two of the three buckets... We’re all hoping to find a what, a who, and a why.

Lori Goler, Janelle Gale, Brynn Harrington, and Adam Grant

"The 3 Things Employees Really Want: Career, Community, Cause"  Harvard Business Review. February 20, 2018

laugh often and much

This [quote]... which is attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson, has made such an impact on Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos that he hangs it up on his fridge.

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of the intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the beauty in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that one life has breathed easier because you lived here. This is to have succeeded.

These are the fruits you bear from a life well lived by consciously choosing to do the things you're passionate about -- the things you are called to do that make you "tap dance to work" every day, to borrow an expression from one of the many books about billionaire Warren Buffett.

Bezos can testify: "You don't choose your passions, your passions choose you," he once said. "All of us are gifted with certain passions, and the people who are lucky are the ones who get to follow those things."

Following your passions comes with added benefits: you love coming to work because you love what you do. Buffett said it best: "In the world of business, the people who are most successful are those who are doing what they love."

Marcel Schwantes

"According to Jeff Bezos, This May Be the Best Definition of Success He's Ever Read" Inc. April 24, 2020

listen all the time

Listening to what other people say is the most important skill for a leader to develop

That's especially true if you're trying to change your habits.

Here's Marshall Goldsmith:

"The only difference between us and the super-successful among us — the near-great and the great — is that the great ones  [listen] all the time. It's automatic for them. For them there's no on and off switch for caring and empathy and showing respect. It's always on. They don't rank personal encounters as A, B, or C in importance. They treat everyone equally — and everyone eventually notices."

Shana Lebowitz 

"5 insights from a classic leadership book by an executive coach who's helped over 150 CEOs" Business Insider.  Aug 26, 2016

decency and respect

We may please ourselves with the prospect of free and popular governments. But there is great danger that those governments will not make us happy. God grant they may. But I fear that in every assembly, members will obtain an influence by noise, not sense. By meanness, not greatness. By ignorance, not learning. By contracted hearts, not large souls….

There is one thing, my dear sir, that must be attempted and most sacredly observed or we are all undone. There must be decency and respect, and veneration introduced for persons of authority of every rank, or we are undone. In a popular government, this is our only way.

John Adams writing to James Warren (1776) 

As quoted in John Adams by David McCullough. Simon and Schuster, 2001. p.106

consciously care

Over two-thirds of employees say that their boss does not genuinely care about them.... Visibly exude caring, compassion, and concern for employees. Thoughtfully administer rewards and recognition (tailoring to employee preferences for how they like to be rewarded), ensure employees have robust personal growth and development plans, and unswervingly show respect.

Scott Mautz

"Developing These 5 Habits Will Make You a Once-in-a-Career Leader to Employees" by Scott Mautz. Inc. Jun 19, 2018.

talk to your people

Hearing the phrase “you need to talk to your people” can invoke a feeling of dread in any manager. But when managers have frequent one-on-one conversations with their direct reports, it improves not only leadership skills but also job satisfaction. Our company’s research shows that employees want to have more time with their leaders. One survey found gaps of 10 to 16 percent between how often people want to meet with their managers and how often they actually meet.

Several years ago when my wife, Margie, was working with a fast food chain, she found out its turnover rate was much lower than average. She asked a manager what he did to keep the rate so low. The manager said he made sure to take at least ten minutes every week to talk to each employee. These conversations weren’t necessarily about job performance; they were simply an opportunity for the manager to check in with each person to see how things were going in their life.

After learning this, Margie talked to the staff and asked why they stayed. They all mentioned their manager and said they liked working for someone who cared about them. A few individuals said they knew they could go to another place and make a few more cents an hour, but they wanted to continue working for this manager. He made time for them, which in turn made them feel like a respected part of the team.

Margie was so enthusiastic about this concept that she shared it with our leadership team and went on to develop a process for one-on-one meetings. This process requires managers to meet with each of their direct reports for 15 to 30 minutes at least every two weeks. These meetings are not for discussing performance—they are meant to enhance the relationship between manager and employee.

The leader schedules the meeting but the employee sets the agenda. It’s a chance for the direct report to talk about their goals, share personal information, learn more about the company, or ask for help to solve a problem. These kinds of conversations allow managers and employees to get to know each other as human beings. When people are not just allowed but encouraged to talk with their managers about their everyday lives, relationships flourish because a new level of trust is created. And trusted working relationships improve performance on all sides.

Ken Blanchard

"The Best Leaders Serve Their People One at a Time". Berrett-Koehler Publishers.  February 13, 2018. 

rely on your team

Important advice to any leader is to be humble enough to admit that you don't know something. Too many people come in to a leadership position saying: Well, these people gotta respect me so I better know what I'm talking about. They miss an opportunity to learn the essence of the work they're being called upon to do because they didn't ask.

As a CEO (New York Region American Red Cross), the people who report to me are like Ken Turner, who runs disasters for 26 counties. He knows his stuff. I'm not going to pretend I know more about disaster response than he does. He taught me disaster response. He's counting on me for other skills, and I'm relying on him to get the job done. (While Taravella is interim CEO in New York, Turner will fill her position, and his regional disaster oversight will be filled by Susan Pope, a disaster program manager for the Central New York chapter.)

I learn from Ken. One of the best things I ever did is say: OK, teach me this business guys. It's counter intuitive. You think you going to lose credibility by admitting you don't know something. You gain credibility. So that's a tip for anyone aspiring to leadership responsibility: Don't be afraid to ask questions.

If you want it as a bullet point: Rely on your team. If you're being asked to lead a team, then you have to believe in that team. Part of believing in that team is to trust them and to have them teach you what you don't know.

Rosie Taravella interviewed by Stan Linhorst

"Rosie Taravella on leadership: Be humble enough to admit that you don't know something". syracuse.com. November 21, 2017. 

there is no other way

"Thank God Kareem was my teammate, because I used to cringe at the way he treated people," Magic said. "There was a way to say no if you didn't want to sign an autograph. You could say, 'I'm Busy right now,' or, 'Sorry, not today.' But Kareem didn't do it in a very kind way. Sometimes he's have people in tears. It's hurt him now that he's done playing."

More than a decade after both men retired, Kareem approached Magic to learn more about Johnson's business acumen. Abdul-Jabbar had struggled to find his niche since he stopped playing, and he was looking to Magic, who had made millions off the court, for advice.

"I want to be like you," the center said.

Magic shook his head.

"No, you don't," Johnson answered. "To be like me, you've got to shake hands, hug people, attend luncheons. You've got to be nice to people all the time. You've got to make small talk. You've got to be on."

"Well, maybe I can do it another way," Abdul-Jabbar said.

"There is no other way," Magic explained. "You have to be cordial. You can't treat your teammates without any courtesy, or humiliate reporters, or blow off fans."

Magic shared a story with Abdul-Jabbar that happened in his second season in the pros and resonated with him for a decade. The Lakers were finishing up a pregame shoot-around when a man and his young son timidly approached Abdul-Jabbar and asked, "Kareem, can we please get a picture?"

"No," Abdul-Jabbar snapped without breaking stride.

Magic, standing nearby, could see the young boy was crushed. Johnson was not yet and All-Star, an MVP, or a household name, although he was well on his way to accomplishing all of that. He walked over to the father and said, "How about a picture with me?"

As the grateful father lined up the shot, Magic joked, "Maybe I'll be in the Hall of Fame someday too."

Twenty-two years later, Johnson sat in a boardroom representing Magic Johnson Enterprises with hopes of generating some new business. After he made his pitch, an older gentleman approached him.

"We met before, a long, long time ago," the gentleman said. "You posed for a picture with my son. Kareem blew us off, but you were very nice."

The son was a grown man, a successful attorney in Los Angeles. His father was the CEO of the company Magic was soliciting.

"My son is 29 years old now," the man said," and he still has that picture on his wall."

As Magic walked out of the meeting with a new multimillion-dollar client in his portfolio, he thought to himself, "See, Kareem? It could have been you."

Larry Bird, Earvin “Magic” Johnson & Jackie MacMullan

When the Game Was Ours. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2009

the first rule of improvisation is AGREE

The first rule of improvisation is AGREE. Always agree and SAY YES. When you’re improvising, this means you are required to agree with whatever your partner has created. So if we’re improvising and I say, “Freeze, I have a gun,” and you say, “That’s not a gun. It’s your finger. You’re pointing your finger at me,” our improvised scene has ground to a halt. But if I say, “Freeze, I have a gun!” and you say. “The gun I gave you for Christmas! You bastard!” then we have started a scene because we have AGREED that my finger is in fact a Christmas gun.

Now, obviously in real life you’re not always going to agree with everything everyone says. But the Rule of Agreement reminds you to “respect what your partner has created” and to at least start from an open-minded place. Start with a YES and see where that takes you.

As an improviser, I always find it jarring when I meet someone in real life whose first answer is no. “No, we can’t do that.” “No, that’s not in the budget.” “No I will not hold your hand for a dollar.” What kind of way is that to live?

Tina Fey

Bossypants. Reagan Arthur Books. 2011.

people...customers

You can’t treat your people poorly and expect them to treat your customers well.

Ken Blanchard

Leading at a Higher Level: Blanchard on Leadership and Creating High Performing Organizations (Revised and Expanded Edition). FT Press, 2009. p.6

the people who oppose

“When does the sled take off? Is the question for all leaders, knowing that we can fail if the sled leaves too early with too few people on it, or we can wait too long, and someone else will have filled the need and eaten our lunch…. It takes managerial courage to decide that it is time for the sled to take off when many are hesitant to climb on board. A leader respects their opinions and their positions, but cannot be deterred by them. Later these people may change their minds and join you, but if you act in a dismissive way that diminishes them, they never come back. Save the face and the dignity of the people who oppose the initiative. That is a key principle in managing change and mobilizing people around that change.” 

Frances Hesselbein

As quoted in "Frances Hesselbein: To Serve is To Live" by Michael McKinney. Leading Blog. 2/16/2011

banish the but

[Frances] Hesselbein says the number one element of listening is “banish the but.” She writes: If we want people to listen, we must banish “but” from our vocabulary. How many times have we had someone tell us how well we performed—and we were feeling good about the feedback, listening carefully—then we heard “but,” and the positive, energizing part of the feedback was lost in the “but” and what followed it. “But” is nobody’s friend—listener or speaker. “And” provides the graceful transition, the nonthreatening bridge to mutual appreciation, the communication that builds effective relationships. 

Michael McKinney

"Frances Hesselbein: To Serve is To Live." Leading Blog. 2/16/2011

few among us would have qualified

We were soon transferred to the Johannesburg Prison, popularly known as the Fort, a bleak, castle-like structure located on a hill in the heart of the city. Upon admission we were taken to an outdoor triangle and ordered to strip completely and line up against the wall. We were forced to stand there for more than an hour, shivering in the breeze and feeling awkward – priests, professors, doctors, lawyers, businessmen, men of middle or old age, who were normally treated with deference and respect. Despite my anger, I could not suppress a laugh as I scrutinized the men around me. For the first time, the truth of the aphorism “clothes make the man” came home to me. If fine bodies and impressive physiques were essential to being a leader I saw that few among us would have qualified.

Nelson Mandela

Long Walk to Freedom: The Autobiography of Nelson Mandela. Back Bay Books. 1995.  p. 200, 201

leading at a higher level... is a process

Leading at a higher level… is a process. We define it as the process of achieving worthwhile results while acting with respect, care, and fairness for the well-being of all involved. When that occurs, self-serving leadership is not possible.


Ken Blanchard
Leading at a Higher Level: Blanchard on Leadership and Creating High Performing Organizations (Revised and Expanded Edition). FT Press, 2009. p.xvii, xviii

servant-leaders exercise the following traits

Servant-leaders exercise the following traits and practices in their roles. They:

• Understand the value of every human soul.
• Have an inborn or developed sense of caring for others.
• Are quick to volunteer to take pressure off someone else.
• Rush to the aid of someone who is going through an embarrassing or humiliating experience.
• Treat all people on a basis of equality.
• Do not feel that tasks they expect others to do are too demeaning for themselves.
• Are not offended by disruptions of people who are themselves going through emotional traumas or stress.
• Expect more from themselves than they do from anyone else.
• Are quick to compliment, give credit, and build up those who perform a given task.
• Judge people by their potential, not necessarily by one single negative experience.
• Do not take credit for someone else’s achievements and love to share credit for any of their own accomplishments.
• Get the facts before finding fault or criticizing another person.
• Help all people feel they had a real part in the success of a project.
• Detest practical jokes or statements that focus humiliation or attention on one soul.
• Always constructively criticize in private and compliment in public.
• Are absolutely honest in their work.
• Are equally fair with all under their direction.
• Are always willing to listen to both sides of a quarrel, discussion, or issue. They know it is a pretty thin pancake that has only one side. . . .
• Make themselves accessible to all, not just those with position or power.

True servant-leaders do not need a checklist of these character traits, for they live them daily. . . .

Vaughn J. Featherstone

The Incomparable Christ: Our Master and Model (1995)

As quoted in Principles of Leadership Teacher's Manual. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Salt Lake City. 2001

building an effective team

Building an effective team begins with a brutally honest process of self-evaluation and reflection. The leader must be open to a humble assessment of his or her own strengths and weaknesses mapped against the qualities, knowledge and experience necessary to succeed. There are numerous consultants and assessment tools available to assist in this process, but the most effective leaders I have known grasp this aspect of team building intuitively, naturally gravitating to partners and advisers who “make them whole” and who make the team-leader appear almost super-human by placing a vast array of talents and information at their fingertips.

Leadership teams should be comprised of the most talented people you can attract; they are not merely there to row, but also to help you steer. The sincere respect that the leader shows for each team member is critical to maintaining equilibrium within the group. In general, members of the this kind of team are less prone to competition and have superior cohesion because each member is explicitly recognized for bringing a unique and essential skill to the table. A team comprised of people with distinct talents and perspectives is also less likely to succumb to ‘group think’ and will engage in honest and open dialogue with the team leader. Over time, this frank give-and-take builds an atmosphere of trust within the team, which increases the members’ willingness to surface uncomfortable concerns in a timely manner.

Kerry Healey

"The difference between a great leader and a good one." Fortune. 8/4/2015