denying the request / denying the person

 

When people ask us to do something, we can confuse the request with our relationship with them. Sometimes they seem so interconnected, we forget that denying the request is not the same as denying the person. Only once we separate the decision from the relationship can we make a clear decision and then separately find the courage and compassion to communicate it.

Greg McKeown

Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown. Crown/Archetype. 2020. p.137.

wisdom is missing

Growing up in Athens, I was brought up on the classics and the Greek myths. They were taught to me not as ancient history, as my children learned them in their American classrooms, but as my personal roots and the source of my identity. Athena was the goddess of wisdom, and, for me, the idea of wisdom is forever identified with her — weaving together strength and vulnerability, creativity and nurturing, passion and discipline, pragmatism and intuition, intellect and imagination, claiming them all, the masculine and the feminine, as part of our essence and expression.

Today we need Athena’s wisdom more than ever. She breathes soul and compassion — exactly what has been missing — into the traditionally masculine world of work and success. Her emergence, fully armed and independent, from Zeus’s head, and her total ease in the practical world of men, whether on the battlefield or in the affairs of the city; her inventive creativity; her passion for law, justice, and politics — they all serve as a reminder that creation and action are as inherently natural to women as they are to men. Women don’t need to leave behind the deeper parts of themselves in order to thrive in a male- dominated world. In fact, women — and men, too — need to reclaim these instinctual strengths if they are to tap into their inner wisdom and redefine success.

Wisdom is precisely what is missing when — like rats in the famous experiment conducted by B. F. Skinner more than fifty years ago — we press the same levers again and again even though there is no longer any real reward. By bringing deeper awareness into our everyday lives, wisdom frees us from the narrow reality we’re trapped in — a reality consumed by the first two metrics of success, money and power, long after they have ceased to fulfill us. Indeed, we continue to pull the levers not only after their diminishing returns have been exhausted, but even after it’s clear they’re actually causing us harm in terms of our health, our peace of mind, and our relationships. Wisdom is about recognizing what we’re really seeking: connection and love. But in order to find them, we need to drop our relentless pursuit of success as society defines it for something more genuine, more meaningful, and more fulfilling.

Arianna Huffington

"Why We Need Wisdom More Than Ever," by Arianna Huffington. Thrive Global. November 30, 2016. Excerpt from Thrive: The Third Metric to Redefining Success and Creating a Life of Well-Being, Wisdom, and Wonder pp. 116–130. As found in 2022 Great Quotes From Great Leaders Boxed Calendar: 365 Inspirational Quotes From Leaders Who Shaped the World.

the most important skill for interacting with people

Very few people are compassionate and considerate. … There are people in your life that haven’t been thanked for all of their efforts in far too long.

“When you meet someone, treat them as if they were in serious trouble:

… and you will be right more than half the time.”—Henry Eyring

Every person you meet, no matter how happy they appear on the outside, is dealing with serious challenges in their life.

Life is freaking hard.

Some of the people you meet are going through bitter and bone-chilling challenges. And for the most part, you have no clue. You just pass them at work, in the grocery store, or even at family gatherings.

In the book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Dr. Stephen Covey tells the story of being on a train one day. While on the train, there were two very noisy kids causing a disturbance to everyone around them. Covey noticed that the father was doing nothing about it, and after a period of restraint he approached the father. Here’s Covey’s account of the situation:

“Sir, your children are really disturbing a lot of people. I wonder if you couldn’t control them a little more?”

The man lifted his gaze as if to come to a consciousness of the situation for the first time and said softly,

“Oh, you’re right. I guess I should do something about it. We just came from the hospital where their mother died about an hour ago. I don’t know what to think, and I guess they don’t know how to handle it either.”

Can you imagine what I felt at that moment? My paradigm shifted. Suddenly I saw things differently, I felt differently, I behaved differently. My irritation vanished. I didn’t have to worry about controlling my attitude or my behavior; my heart was filled with the man’s pain. Feelings of sympathy and compassion flowed freely. Everything changed in an instant.

Living more compassionately

If you treat every person you meet like they are dealing with a serious challenge, you’ll be right more than half the time. If you entreat people with love, kindness, empathy, and discernment, they will appreciate you so much.

Sharing a few kind words to our loved ones make refreshes them like cool water in the middle of the desert. Small gestures can bring hope and motivation.

Even better, ask people how they are really doing in their life. Tell them that you know they are going through a lot right now, and that it’s probably really tough.

How do you think they’ll respond?

You might just see some tears.

Very few people are compassionate and considerate. For instance, my mom works like an absolute workhorse in her job. She is one of the most caring and loving and hardworking people I know. Yet, day in-and-out, she takes constantly crap from people who don’t appreciate what she does.

It’s crazy how a small and thoughtful compliment can put her in tears. She works so hard.

There are people in your life that haven’t been thanked for all of efforts in far too long.

Conclusion

Harriet Beecher Stowe once said, “The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.”

You have no idea what the people in your world are currently dealing with. If you treat them like they are going through a crises, you’ll be right more often than not. But even more importantly, you can be a balm of peace and understanding for them.

A few words can be a release-valve for pent-up pain and sadness.

You could change someone’s life today. You could potentially save someone’s life today. You could also indirectly change countless other lives through the ripple effects of making just one person felt heard and seen.

Send the text to a friend.

Make that call to a loved one.

Apologize to a co-worker or employee.

Send a loving note of appreciation to your spouse/lover.

Say “I love you” more.

Wrote William Shakespeare, “They do not love that do not show their love.

The Most Important Skill for Interacting with People

Benjamin P. Hardy

theladders.com

5 Oct. 2018

no longer cutting it

One of the biggest mistakes a manager can make is leaving people in positions for which they’re no longer suited. [Jeff Weiner, CEO of Linkedin] uses a sports metaphor to explain his perspective... 

“The most important lesson I’ve learned in the role of CEO is to not leave the pitcher in the game for too long,” Weiner says. “You know, when you’re watching a baseball game, sometimes you’ll see a star pitcher on the mound, they’re having a great game and as the game continues to go on, you can see their arm starting to tire and you can see the opposing team start to hit the ball a little bit harder.”

Whenever this happens in baseball, the manager approaches the mound to check on the pitcher, who inevitably says some variation of: “I’m fine. I got this.” Weiner says the same thing happens in business.

“In 20 years of managing people, not once has anyone ever come to me and said they couldn’t do their job. Not a single time,” he says. “It’s not their job. That’s the role of a manager.”...

With Weiner’s corporate philosophy relying so much on managing compassionately, it may seem unusual to suggest letting go of an employee who is no longer cutting it. But, as he explains, it’s not.

“People just assume ‘compassion’ means not making hard decisions, not making hard choices, not transitioning people out of roles,” Weiner says. “It’s the exact opposite: The least compassionate thing you can do when someone is not equipped to be doing what they’re doing is to leave them in that role.”

When those employees are left in their roles, Weiner continues, it takes a toll on them.

“They lose confidence. They’re losing self-esteem by the day. They’re taking that back to their teams, people are seeing that you’re leaving them in the role ― which is undermining your ability to lead ― and the worst of all is that individual that no longer believes in themselves, that’s losing their sense of self, they take that energy home,” Weiner points out. “They’re taking that energy home to their families.”

There’s only one way to stop this vicious cycle, he says.

“The most compassionate thing you can do in that situation is take that person aside and say, ‘This isn’t working out right now. Here’s where the bar is set. I’m going to do everything I can to get you to the bar or above the bar. And we’re going to set a timetable,’” Weiner says.

In some cases, the employee may need to be transitioned out of the role, but that’s not a foregone conclusion.

“There’s probably a reason you put them in that role, so there may be the potential for them to be able to take coaching and learn how to do the job more effectively,” Weiner says. “It’s a question of how much time you’re going to give them and how much work you’re willing to put in.”

Lisa Capretto

"One Of The Biggest Mistakes A Manager Can Make, According To LinkedIn’s CEO". Huffington Post. Jan. 9, 2017

consciously care

Over two-thirds of employees say that their boss does not genuinely care about them.... Visibly exude caring, compassion, and concern for employees. Thoughtfully administer rewards and recognition (tailoring to employee preferences for how they like to be rewarded), ensure employees have robust personal growth and development plans, and unswervingly show respect.

Scott Mautz

"Developing These 5 Habits Will Make You a Once-in-a-Career Leader to Employees" by Scott Mautz. Inc. Jun 19, 2018.

to be hopeful

To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness.

What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places—and there are so many—where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction.

And if we do act, in however small a way, we don’t have to wait for some grand Utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory.

Howard Zinn

A People’s History of American Empire. Henry Holt & Co. 2008

leadership is not a position

Real leadership requires personal influence -- persuasion afforded by a long track record of strong relationships built by trust. That reserve of trust may have been built by any number of things:

• Direct, clear communication without intention to deceive
• Consistency- actions that match your words
• Transparency and openness
• Explanations about goals and decisions
• A private life that matches the public life
• Competence
• Concern and compassion for others
• An upbeat, positive attitude about the future

When others observe these attitudes in a leader, the personal influence compels them to listen with an open mind -- and often to accept the leader's ideas and opinions as their own.

When the personal influence is missing, a positional title often demands little more than a "hearing" -- often met with open skepticism.

Dianna Booher 

"3 Things Leadership Is NOT" Huffington Post. 9/22/15

character increases bottom-line results

Tom Fox: What are the traits of leaders who have high character?

Fred Kiel: The leaders who attained the greatest financial bottom-line results had strong character habits that involve four basic principles: integrity, responsibility, forgiveness and compassion. They almost always tell the truth, keep their promises, are willing to own up to their mistakes and take responsibility for their choices. They are very forgiving of others. They are all about learning from mistakes rather than punishing. And finally, they care about people.

When employees say that leaders show these character habits, in contrast to those who show them about half the time, there was an amazing difference in bottom-line financial results—almost five times more.

Tom Fox and Fred Kiel

"Good people make good leaders." The Washington Post. 9/21/2015