self-serving bias

At one company we know, for example, leaders were asked to estimate how much time they spent tiptoeing around other people’s egos: making others feel that “my idea is yours,” for instance, or taking care not to tread on someone else’s turf. Most said 20 to 30 percent. Then they were asked how much time they spent tiptoeing around their own egos. Most were silent. Psychology explains this dynamic as a very predictable, and very human, “self-serving bias.” It involves viewing our own actions favorably and interpreting events in a way beneficial to ourselves. This explains why 25 percent of students rate themselves in the top 1 percent in their ability to get along with others. It’s why, when couples are asked to estimate their contribution to household work, the combined total routinely exceeds 100 percent.

"Getting personal about change," by Scott Keller and Bill Schaninger. McKinsey Quarterly. August 21, 2019. 

you are defined by your work

I know most people dream of being famous or being a celebrity... The attention is thought to be gratifying, or ego-building or something. I've found it to be a nuisance all the way around. There's very little of it that I enjoy.... You become a cartoonist all your life, all day... It's no longer a job. You are defined by your work. You suddenly have no private time. You cannot be a husband to your wife, you are still a celebrity cartoonist...I find that aggravating. If you can't have a personal life, it really seems to me to be a sacrifice.

As a culture, we embrace people for no reason other than the fact that they have a job that puts them in a position of recognizability... People who have no other virtues necessarily are somehow made into these things that we devour...There's something very strange about our fascination with other people's lives that I don't think is entirely healthy.

Bill Watterson

Looking for Calvin and Hobbes: The Unconventional Story of Bill Watterson and His Revolutionary Comic Strip by Nevin Martell. Continuum Intl Pub Group, 2010 p. 125, 126

a realistic sense of magnitude

One of the cliches of the campaign season is that a candidate has to want the job badly, to burn with ambition, to have “fire in the belly.” Otherwise, why elect someone to the demanding task of being president? Surely the first criteria is to want to be president very, very much.

The biblical model of leadership suggests otherwise. One of the striking features of leadership in the Hebrew bible is how often the people who become leaders don’t wish to be. When God first comes to Moses at the burning bush, Moses contrives a series of excuses—I don’t speak well, the people won’t listen to me—before he flat out asks God to simply choose someone else. God leaves Moses no choice, forcing him to shepherd the people out of Egypt.

The prophet Jeremiah has a similar reaction: He desperately does not wish to be a prophet, but finds that God’s word is like a “fire shut up in my bones,” and despite his desire he can’t seem to hold back from prophesying as God wishes. And perhaps most dramatically, the story of Jonah tells of a prophet who literally tries to flee from God only to be swallowed by a large fish that spits Jonah out on to dry land to prophesy and save the city of Nineveh.

Each is ultimately pressed into service, along with many others who are hesitant to become leaders. Yet once in the position of leadership, they serve effectively and in many cases, with astonishing devotion. The Bible seems to assume that reluctance in the face of a great task is the natural reaction of a healthy spirit, and that pursuing leadership is often a disfigurement of ego and not an essential attribute of authority.

So instead we have a parade of people who are certain they can solve all the problems of the world if we give them a vote. The biblical days when Samuel did not recognize that he was hearing God’s voice, or when Isaiah worried that he was of unclean lips—the age when leadership was tentative, hesitant and humble—has given way to an age when leadership is certain, declarative and boastful.

To doubt whether one can do a demanding job is to have a realistic sense of its magnitude. When candidates are convinced they will be great, I wonder not only if they overestimate themselves, but if they do not recognize the difficulties of the task. In our history we have seen certainty crumble into chaos. Better to elect someone who sees the enormity of the challenge and is humble in the face of being called to serve than someone who is certain of triumph.

Rabbi David Wolpe

"The Best Leaders Are the Ones Who Don’t Ask for the Job" Time. 10/7/2015

no one listens to you...they don't have to

Given that humility isn't core curriculum at most executive education programs, how do you develop servant leader skills if they don't come naturally? Volunteer work can be an excellent autocracy neutralizer, suggests Jeremy Brandt, founder of FastHomeOffers.com, a $1.35 million company that generates leads for real estate investors. Shortly before launching his business four years ago, Brandt was asked by the pastor at his church in Grapevine, Texas, to lead a fellowship group of about 15 people. Brandt, a get-it-done kind of guy, soon found himself in charge of 25 such groups. His big-stick approach fell apart. "It's very natural as you manage more and more people to let your ego get in the way," says Brandt. "It's illuminating to manage volunteers because if you act that way, no one listens to you. They don't have to." Instead, Brandt began asking questions. What problems do you have? How can I help you? He drew on the experience to shape his performance as CEO. "At the company, I solve people's problems," he says. "I give them what they need so they can blossom." 

Leigh Buchanan

In Praise of Selflessness: Why the best leaders are servants. Inc. magazine. May 1, 2007.