what if

Life is full of decisions. From seemingly small decisions like what to eat for dinner, too much more consequential ones such as choosing a career to pursue, we are all faced with numerous choices on a daily basis. It’s human nature to look back at the roads we didn’t take and wonder, “What if?” Yet a new survey conducted in England has revealed that a staggering amount of people are unhappy with the way they’ve lived their lives.

According to a survey of 2,000 British adults commissioned by UK charity consortium Remember A Charity, four out of ten people regret how they have lived their lives so far. Spending too much time at work and not traveling enough were among respondents’ biggest regrets.

Other common regrets among those surveyed included neglecting their health and not spending enough time with their family. Many wished they had been a better parent to their children. All of that regret seems to be a big motivator as well, with 40% of respondents claiming that they want to make some positive changes in the near future...

Interestingly, close to half of those surveyed said they regret focusing so much on financial success as opposed to more meaningful endeavors.

John Anderer

"Hindsight Is 20/20: 4 Out Of 10 Adults Regret Their Life Choices". StudyFinds. July 22, 2019. 

impostor syndrome

Recent statistics show that over 70% of professionals (and leaders) have or will experience Impostor Syndrome at one point in their careers. Here's some tips on how to recognize the symptoms and how to deal with them.

What Is Impostor Syndrome?

Source #1: You’re so smart!
Source #2: One of these things is not like the others.
Source #3: The side effects of meritocracy.

9 Ways to Combat Impostor Syndrome

Can’t take a compliment?  Feel like a fake? Convinced you’ll be unmasked at any moment? Welcome to the secret circle of high achievers suffering from Impostor Syndrome.  The Savvy Psychologist explains how to recognize it, where it comes from, and has 9 tips on how to combat it.

The work of Dr. Carol Dweck, Professor of Psychology at Stanford, sheds light on a common parenting mistake.  Well-meaning parents often praise kids with labels like ‘You’re so smart!” or “You’re so pretty!” These labels, while meant to be complimentary, actually hinder kids.  How? They imply that there’s nowhere left to grow.  “You’re smart” implies that “smart” is a you’ve-got-it-or-you-don’t characteristic.  Either you’re smart or you’re not, and there’s nothing you can do to alter it.  Therefore, whenever kids make a mistake, they question the “smart” label.  “If I got a C this once, then maybe I’m not smart after all?  Mom must be wrong.”   As a result, it stifles kids’ willingness to try new things, for fear they might prove their label wrong.  This lays fertile ground for Impostor Syndrome.

Women, racial minorities, or LGBT individuals may feel like they're living a high-achiever's version of the Sesame Street song, “One of These Things is Not Like the Others.”  Indeed, individuals who don’t “match” the larger, majority culture of their school or company often struggle to feel legitimate. They may feel like they don’t belong, despite qualifications and accomplishments.

Navigating unfamiliar waters without a role model or mentor can exacerbate this kind of Impostor Syndrome.  For instance, being the first in the family to attend college or have a white-collar career is a pioneering achievement, but can feel like a floundering imitation without an experienced guide.  First-generation achievers may feel out of step both at home and in their new environment.

High achievers are only high achievers when compared to others.  Such folks have been compared to others their whole lives—when earning grades, winning honors, being selected into colleges, landing jobs.  They often come out on top, which does two things.  First, they value the process of comparison because they have done well by it.  Second, they are extra alert to the process.  Awareness of being evaluated and caring deeply about the outcome is an important mindset for success, but when it backfires, it lays a foundation for feeling like a phony.

So what's a phony-feeling high achiever to do?  Here are 9 ways to combat Impostor Syndrome.

1) Know that feeling like a fraud is normal

Impostor Syndrome is widespread.  It is rampant in any exclusive circle, from high school honor societies to Nobel Prize winners.   It is rarely discussed because each person feels they are keeping a secret.  There is an element of shame and the fear of being discovered, so sufferers keep silent.  However, whenever someone pipes up, hundreds more breathe a sigh of relief.

2) Remind yourself of what you’ve accomplished

Academics keep a curriculum vitae, roughly translated as “life’s work.”  More than a resume, it is a list of everything they have accomplished.  Do the same and read it over from time to time.  Read your old letters of recommendation.  If you’ve been given an award, read the inscription. You don’t just look good on paper; you accomplished each and every achievement on that paper. 

3) Tell a fan

Disclose your feelings to a trusted friend, your favorite teacher, or close colleague.  Hopefully, you’ll come away with a pep talk to bolster your spirits.  Warning: change the subject if your fan simply tells you to stop feeling insecure.  If you could stop, you would have already!

4) Seek out a mentor

Ask a senior colleague, teacher, or coach for guidance navigating work or school.  If possible, seek out a mentor who matches your gender or ethnicity. Get-It-Done Guy has a wonderful article on Choosing a Mentor.

5) Teach

Or become a mentor.  You’ll be surprised how much you know.  We often forget what it’s like not to know something.  Furthermore, as we become experts in a field or rise to the top of the class, we are conscious enough to realize how much we have yet to learn, which amplifies the sense of fraudulence.  Only when we contrast ourselves with true newbies do we gain perspective.  Remind yourself how far you’ve come by nurturing the next generation.

6) Sometimes it’s OK not to know what you’re doing

After experiencing any big life event, like starting at a new school or a new job, there is a steep learning curve of adjustment.  Rather than hiding, think of yourself as a “public amateur” or a “purposeful impostor” - someone who is learning and gaining expertise in the public eye.  It’s OK to come to the table with nothing to offer, as long as you’re enthusiastic about learning. 

7) For kids, praise effort

To counteract the mistake of praising traits, as in “You’re so smart!,” praise effort instead.  Compliment kids with, “You worked so hard on that!” or  “You kept at it even when it didn’t work out.” 

8) Build in an expectation of initial failure

The author Anne Lamott titles every new work “Sh*tty First Draft.”  My neighbor told her child, “Here’s your new scooter.  You have to fall off at least 10 times before you get good.”  Allow yourself similar leeway to stink it up at any new beginning.

9) Keep a little Impostor Syndrome in your pocket

Stay humble, my friends.  A balancing point exists between Impostor Syndrome and slick, grinning egomania.  Authentic modesty keeps you real.

So there we have it: 9 things you can do to things you can do to mitigate the effects of Impostor Syndrome.  And of course, you’re not alone.   Simply remember the words of Tina Fey, a self-described impostor:  “Everyone else is an impostor, too.” ;

Ellen Hendriksen, PhD

"What is Impostor Syndrome?" www.quickanddirtytips.com 3 June 2016

provide a vision

In every successful transformation effort that I have seen, the guiding coalition develops a picture of the future that is relatively easy to communicate and appeals to customers, stockholders, and employees. A vision always goes beyond the numbers that are typically found in five-year plans. A vision says something that helps clarify the direction in which an organization needs to move.... A useful rule of thumb: if you can’t communicate the vision to someone in five minutes or less and get a reaction that signifies both understanding and interest, you are not yet done with this phase of the transformation process.

John P. Kotter

"Leading Change: Why Transformation Efforts Fail" Harvard Business Review. May-June 1995

keep fear at bay

It’s awfully hard for managers and staff to get motivated when they believe that the latest project from on high is going to die just like the last one - no matter what they do. Fear makes change intensely personal. People fear for their income. They worry about their families. They wonder what will happen to their careers. When people are afraid, they literally can’t hear or think as well. It’s much harder for them to take in important information when their minds are reeling. This can be a big distraction that undermines your team’s ability to focus and stay productive… just when you need to them most...

So how do the best leaders and managers mitigate change... fatigue, keep fear at bay and keep the team engaged and energized?

By doing two things: identifying and celebrating early successes and creating cultural experiences that support the vision and keep the change train on track.

Brent Gleeson

"1 Reason Why Most Change Management Efforts Fail" Forbes. Jul. 25, 2017

one great thing

Remember this: there is no one great thing that you can do which will determine your happiness or success in life. Life is a series of little things-how you do your work from day to day, personal honesty in your everyday contacts, a smile and a handshake, courtesy and kindness-these are the "little things" that become the sum of your character. 

Ezra Taft Benson

The Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1988], 462.

toiling upward in the night

The heights by great men reached and kept

Were not attained by sudden flight,

But they, while their companions slept,

Were toiling upward in the night.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

The Ladder of St. Augustine. 1858

a wide spectrum of intelligences

Gardner’s influential 1983 book Frames of Mind was a manifesto refuting the IQ view; it proposed that there was not just one, monolithic kind of intelligence that was crucial for life success, but rather a wide spectrum of intelligences, with seven key varieties. His list includes the two standard academic kinds, verbal and mathematical-logical alacrity, but it goes on to include the spatial capacity seen in, say, an outstanding artist or architect; the kinesthetic genius displayed in the physical fluidity and grace of a Martha Graham or Magic Johnson; and the musical gifts of a Mozart of YoYo Ma. Rounding out the list are two faces of what Gardner calls “the personal intelligences”; interpersonal skills, like those of a great therapist such as Carl Rogers or a world-class leader such as Martin Luther King, Jr., and the “intrapsychic” capacity that could emerge, on the one hand, in the brilliant insights of Sigmund Freud, or, with less fanfare, in the inner contentment that arises from attuning one’s life to be in keeping with one’s true feelings.

Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. Random House LLC, 2006. 358 pages, p.38

broaden our notion of the spectrum of talents

The guiding visionary behind Project Spectrum is Howard Gardner, a psychologist at the Harvard School of Education. “The time has come,” Gardner told me, “to broaden our notion of the spectrum of talents. The single most important contribution education can make to a child’s development will be satisfied and competent. We’ve completely lost sight of that. Instead we subject everyone to an education where, if you succeed, you will be best suited to be a college professor. And we evaluate everyone along the way according to whether they meet that narrow standard of success. We should spend less time ranking children and more time helping them to identify their natural competencies and gifts, and cultivate those. There are hundreds and hundreds of ways to succeed, and many, many different abilities that will help you get there.

Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. Random House LLC, 2006. 358 pages, p.37

it's not really what we want

The most valuable thing is every moment you have with your relative, your spouse, your friend - that is the most valuable thing. It's what we really want. We all want it desperately and we don't know that sometimes when we're younger. We think we want more money. We think we want a bigger contract. We want a bigger car. We want to win whatever we win. It's not really what we want. Those are fun things along the way but we really just want love. 

Bob Hurley

"Bob Hurley, Hurley International Founder. #130" by Dr. Michael Gervais. Finding Mastery. July 19, 2018.

from success to significance

Many people, as they go through life, focus mainly on success. To them, success is represented by wealth, recognition, and power and status. Now there’s nothing wrong with wanting those things, as long as you don’t think that’s who you are. But I’d like you to focus on the opposite of each of those things as you strive to move from success to significance.

What’s the opposite of accumulating wealth? It’s generosity—of your time, talent, treasure, and touch (reaching out to support others). What’s the opposite of recognition? It’s service. And what’s the opposite of power and status? It’s loving relationships.

If you focus only on success—wealth, recognition, and power and status—you will never reach significance. That’s the problem with self-serving leaders; they have a hard time getting out of their own way. But if you focus on significance—generosity, service, and loving relationships—you’ll be amazed at how much success will come your way. Take Mother Teresa, for example. She couldn’t care less about wealth, recognition, or status. Her whole life was focused on significance. And what happened? Success came her way. Her ministry received tremendous financial backing, she was recognized all over the world, and she was given the highest status wherever she went. Mother Teresa was the ultimate servant leader. If you focus on significance first, your emphasis will be on serving others—and success and results will follow.

Life is all about the choices we make as we interact with others. We can choose to be serving or self-serving. Life constantly presents us with opportunities to choose to love and serve one another.

Someone once said to my wife, Margie, “You’ve lived with Ken for more than 50 years. What do you think leadership is all about?”

Margie said, “Leadership isn’t about love—it is love. It’s loving your mission, loving your customers, loving your people, and loving yourself enough to get out of the way so that other people can be magnificent.”

That’s what servant leadership is all about.

Ken Blanchard

"Moving from Success to Significance". KenBlanchardBooks.com.  January 24, 2018. 

unleash ideas

Global team leaders who unleash idea... are those who: 1)ask questions, and listen carefully; 2) facilitate constructive argument; 3) give actionable feedback; 4) take advice from the team and act on it; 5) share credit for team success; and 6) maintain regular contact with team members. Members of global teams whose leaders exhibit at least three of these behaviors are more likely than global team members whose leaders exhibit none of these behaviors to say they feel free to express their views and opinions (89% vs 19%) and that their ideas are heard and recognized (76% vs 20%).

Sylvia Ann Hewlett

"Creating a Culture Where Employees Speak Up" Harvard Business Review. 1/8/2016

Bono’s leadership playbook

Bono (No. 14, World’s Greatest Leaders) finds a potential ally in the crowd. It’s young Barbara Bush, the daughter of former President George W. Bush and granddaughter of the first President Bush, whom Bono wickedly prank-called from U2’s Zoo Tour concert stage in the early 1990s. All is forgiven. “I saw your sister last week, swollen with child,” he says to Barbara Bush, talking about her twin, Jenna Bush Hager. “Absolutely beautiful she was!” Then he leans in for the drop. “You know, I do want to call your dad,” he says. “I have for about a week.” The world is now on track to eliminate the AIDS epidemic by 2030. Had she heard? “Your father, he was part of this,” Bono says, referring to the creation of Pepfar (President’s Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief) in 2003, the legislation that has earmarked some $60 billion in the fight against AIDS to date. It remains the largest financial commitment of any country to combat a single infectious disease. It had bipartisan support. Its passage brought global attention to an illness that was on its way to becoming a deadly, uncontrollable pandemic. Says Bono: “I don’t think the American people understand how many lives they’ve saved.” Later he reformulates the message, spinning it into a clever political tagline: “If you’re a taxpayer, you’re an AIDS activist.”

The line reflects a classic scrimmage call from Bono’s leadership playbook: One, spread the credit liberally for every success. Two, remind people that they are essential to the mission. Three, ask for more. Repeat steps one through three.

Ellen McGirt
"Bono: I Will Follow" Fortune. 4/1/2016

the most basic of all knowledge

A report from the National Center for Clinical Infant Programs makes the point that school success is not predicted by a child’s fund of facts or a precocious ability to read so much as by emotional and social measures: being self-assured and interested; knowing what kind of behavior is expected and how to rein in the impulse to misbehave; being able to wait, to follow directions, and to turn to teachers for help; and expressing needs while getting along with other children.

Almost all students who do poorly in school, says the report, lack one or more of these elements of emotional intelligence (regardless of whether they also have cognitive difficulties such as learning disabilities). The magnitude of the problem is not minor; in some states close to one in five children have to repeat first grade, and then as the years go on fall further behind their peers, becoming increasingly discouraged, resentful, and disruptive.

A child’s readiness for school depends on the most basic of all knowledge, how to learn. The report lists the seven key ingredients of this crucial capacity – all related to emotional intelligence:

1. Confidence. A sense of control and mastery of one’s body, behavior, and world; the child’s sense that he is more likely than not to succeed at what he undertakes, and that adults will be helpful.
2. Curiosity. The sense that finding out about things is positive and leads to pleasure.
3. Intentionality. The wish and capacity to have an impact, and to act upon that with persistence. This is related to a sense of competence, of being effective.
4. Self-control. The ability to modulate and control one’s own actions in age-appropriate ways; a sense of inner control.
5. Relatedness. The ability to engage with others based on the sense of being understood by and understanding others.
6. Capacity to communicate. The wish and ability to verbally exchange ideas, feelings, and concepts with others. This is related to a sense of trust in others and of pleasure in engaging with others, including adults.
7. Cooperativeness. The ability to balance one’s own needs with those of others in group activity.

Daniel Goleman

Emotional Intelligence. Random House LLC, 2006. 358 pages, p.193,194

most effective leadership development

According to a Boston Consulting Group survey... "improving leadership development" and "managing talent" are top priorities for the companies surveyed, yet the respondents--more than 4,000 senior business leaders from around the world--also ranked these two areas as their greatest weaknesses.

Debbie Lovich, the leader of BCG's Leadership and Talent Enablement Center, says the trouble is that training become separated from companies' objectives.

"Senior executives often think that they must focus on the business and delegate talent development--which they see as 'training'--to HR or someone else without continued involvement," Lovich said in a press release. "With that approach, leadership development instantly becomes disconnected from the business priorities. The training that employees receive does not develop the skills that will enable them to have a meaningful impact on colleagues, customers, and business results."

The main reasons leadership development seminars, events, or workshops do not produce results is the same reason cramming for a skills-based test doesn't result in you mastering a skill.

BCG found three main reasons leadership and talent development programs do not produce results:

1. Many companies have one-off events and workshops, but "true capability is developed over time and regularly reinforced."
2. Programs that are aimed at "broad, generic themes" like success or leadership do not help to develop specific skills. Instead, programs should focus on two or three areas that your employees can work on.
3. The success of most programs is measured by attendance and attendee satisfaction. The best way to see if a workshop was successful, however, is to assess the skills attendees developed.

"People don't develop skills from simply reading a book or going to a one-off workshop," Lovich said. "They build skills by having to do something, failing, and trying again and again."

The most effective leadership development involves daily in-the-field experience with opportunities to practice and reinforce new skills, Lovich said. Regularly practicing new skills while working helps to make training relevant to the company's business.

"A few simple things done consistently well across daily routines can drive cultural change," she said. "By teaching through practical daily routines and providing simple tools to practice and observe leadership at work, organizations can give their people a practical way to improve every day."

Will Yakowicz

"3 Reasons Leadership Training Is a Huge Waste" Inc. 10/20/2015

the role of accidental events

When I look back on Pixar’s history, I have to recognize that so many of the good things that happened could easily have gone a different way. Steve could have sold us – he tried more than once. Toy Story 2 could have been deleted for good, bringing the company down. For years, Disney was trying to steal John back, and they could have succeeded. I am distinctly aware that Disney Animation’s success in the 1990s gave Pixar its chance with Toy Story and also that their later struggles enabled us to join together and ultimately merge.

I know that a lot of our successes came because we had pure intentions and great talent, and we did a lot of things right, but I also believe that attributing our successes solely to our own intelligence, without acknowledging the role of accidental events, diminishes us. We must acknowledge the random events that went our way, because acknowledging our good fortune – and not telling ourselves that everything we did was some stroke of genius – lets us make more realistic assessments and decisions. The existence of luck also reminds us that our activities are less repeatable. Since change is inevitable, the question is: Do you act to stop it and try to protect yourself from it, or do you become the master of change by accepting it and being open to it? My view, of course, is that working with change is what creativity is about.

Ed Catmull

Creativity, Inc.: Overcoming the Unseen Forces That Stand in the Way of True Inspiration. Random House 2014.

from success to significance

Too many leaders today focus only on success. They think success depends only on how much wealth they have accumulated, the amount of recognition they have received, and their power and status. Nothing is inherently wrong with any of those things, as long as you don’t identify those things as who you are. As an alternative, we’d like you to focus on the opposite of each of those as you move from success to significance. What’s the opposite of accumulating wealth? It’s generosity of time, talent, treasure, and touch (reaching out to support others). What’s the opposite of recognition? It’s service. What’s the opposite of power and status? It’s loving relationships.

Ken Blanchard

Leading at a Higher Level. 2010

many hands and hearts and minds

It seems to me shallow and arrogant for any person in these times to claim they are completely self-made, that they owe all their success to their own unaided efforts. Many hands and hearts and minds generally contribute to anyone’s notable achievements.

Walt Disney

As quoted in "The One Attribute All ‘Servant Leaders’ Have In Common" by Dan Veitkus. CEO.com. 8/28/2014

the best way to predict your future is to create it

A vision builds trust, collaboration, interdependence, motivation, and mutual responsibility for success. Vision helps people make smart choices, because their decisions are being made with the end result in mind. As goals are accomplished, the answer to “What next?” becomes clear. Vision allows us to act from a proactive stance, moving toward what we want rather than reactively away from what we don’t want. Vision empowers and excites us to reach for what we truly desire. As the late management guru Peter Drucker said, “The best way to predict your future is to create it.” 

Ken Blanchard

Leading at a Higher Level: Blanchard on Leadership and Creating High Performing Organizations (Revised and Expanded Edition). FT Press, 2009. p.18

champions don't do extraordinary things

“Champions don’t do extraordinary things,” [Coach Tony] Dungy would explain. “They do ordinary things, but they do them without thinking, too fast for the other team to react. They follow the habits they’ve learned.” 

Charles Duhigg

The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business. Random House. 2012.

management/leadership and ladders

In the words of both Peter Drucker and Warren Bennis, "Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things." Management is efficiency in climbing the ladder of success; leadership determines whether the ladder is leaning against the right wall.

Stephen R. Covey 

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change. Simon and Schuster. p.101