it so appears to me at present

I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradiction to the sentiments of others and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself agreeable to the old laws of our Junto, the use of every word or expression in the language that imported [implied] a fixed opinion, such as "certainly," "undoubtedly," etc.; and I adopted instead of them, "I conceive," "I apprehend," or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so, or "It so appears to me at present." 

When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly and of showing immediately some absurdity in his proposition and in answering I began by observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but that in the present case there "appeared" or "seemed to me" some difference, etc. 

I soon found the advantage of this change in my manners: The conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly; the modest way in which I proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction; I had less mortification when I was found to be wrong, and I more easily prevailed with others with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I happened to be in the right. And this mode, which I at first put on with some violence to natural inclination, became at length so easy and so habitual to me that perhaps for these fifty years past no one has ever heard a dogmatical expression escape me. And to this habit (after my character of integrity) I think it principally owing that I had early so much weight with my fellow citizens when I proposed new institutions or alterations in the old, and so much influence in public councils when I became a member.

Benjamin Franklin

Autobiography and Other Writings by Benjamin Franklin, edited by Russel B. Nye. 1949. p.84

to be offended is a choice we make

Certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean spirited things do occur in our interactions with other people that would allow us to take offense. However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else.

David A. Bednar

"And Nothing Shall Offend Them," Ensign, Nov. 2006, 90

the conversation is the relationship

The conversation is not about the relationship; the conversation is the relationship.

Susan Scott

Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work & in Life, One Conversation at a Time. 2004. Page xvi. 

On page 6, Scott relates the following: "During a keynote speech at TEC International's annual conference..., [poet and author] David [Whyte] suggested that in the typical marriage, the young man, newly married, is often frustrated that this person with whom he intends to enjoy the rest of his life seemingly needs to talk, yet again, about the same thing they talked about last weekend. And it often has something to do with their relationship. He wonders, Why are we talking about this again? I thought we settled this.... Eventually, if he is paying attention, it occurs to him, Whyte suggests, that "this ongoing, robust conversation he has been having with his wife is not about the relationship. The conversation is the relationship."

As quoted by Mariann Pike, 1/25/09, 12O2 Ward, Tempe South Stake. Chandler, AZ

ask for commitments

Real leaders don’t “give assignments”—they ask for commitments. They understand that the initial conversation is a chance to frame the entire subsequent experience. When people make a commitment—a choice—they feel a far deeper connection to their work. When it is assigned to them—or others sell them on it—a subtle and insidious agreement is made: that the leader is responsible for their motivation. The worker is consenting to this work as a favor to the leader.

Joseph Grenny

"Leadership Lessons from Ex-Cons" Crucial Skills. 9/15/2015

one-on-one

Several years ago my wife, Margie, was working with a fast-food chain and learned its turnover rate was substantially lower than the national average. She asked the manager what he was doing to keep the rate so low. At first, he said he didn’t think he was doing anything special, but further discussion revealed the answer: This manager made sure to take at least 10 minutes every week to talk to each employee. These conversations weren’t necessarily about job performance; they were just a conversation to check in with each employee to see how things were going.

After learning this, Margie talked to some of the staff. When she asked why they stayed, they all mentioned their manager and said they liked working for someone who cared about them... He made time for them, which in turn made them feel they were a respected part of the team.

Margie was so enthusiastic about this concept that she shared it with our leadership team and went on to develop a “one-on-one meetings” process. This process requires managers to meet one-on-one with each of their direct reports for 15 to 30 minutes at least every two weeks. These meetings are not to talk about performance or report on progress — they are meant to enhance the relationship between the manager and the employee.

The leader schedules the meeting, but the employee sets the agenda. It’s a chance to talk about anything: goals, share personal information, learn more about the company or ask for help to solve a problem. These kinds of conversations allow managers and employees to get to know each other as human beings.

We’ve found that when employees are not only allowed but also encouraged to talk with managers about their everyday lives — the good and the bad — relationships flourish and reach a new level of trust. Trusted working relationships improve performance at all levels.

As a leader, you might think you don’t have time to add more meetings, but you can’t afford not to take time for your people. If you have 10 direct reports and can’t find an additional few hours to mentor and develop them, leadership might not be the right role for you. One-on-one meetings are a significant way for leaders to demonstrate they care. Time in team meetings doesn’t count. Only one-on-one interactions deepen relationships, create loyalty and build partnerships.

Spending dedicated time lets employees know their work is important and that they are valued members of the team. These conversations are the foundation for strong, productive relationships that align people with each other and with the work of the organization in a satisfying, meaningful way. 

Ken Blanchard

"We Need to Talk." Chief Learning Officer. March 2014

conversation

There's no such thing as a worthless conversation, provided you know what to listen for. And questions are the breath of life for a conversation.

James Nathan Miller

Leadership Through People Skills Workbook v. 3.0t. Psychological Associates. 2012. p.3-10.

conversation and collaboration

Sustainable organizational change happens through conversation and collaboration, not by unilateral action by a few.

Ken Blanchard

Leading at a Higher Level: Blanchard on Leadership and Creating High Performing Organizations. FT Press. 2010.

get beyond small talk

One way to get beyond small talk is to ask open-ended questions. Aim for questions that invite people to tell stories, rather than give bland, one-word answers.

Instead of . . .

“How are you?”

“How was your day?”

“Where are you from?”

“What do you do?”

“What line of work are you in?”

“What’s your name?”

“How was your weekend?”

“What’s up?”

“Would you like some wine?”

“How long have you been living here?”

Try . . .

“What’s your story?”

“What did you do today?”

“What’s the strangest thing about where you grew up?”

“What’s the most interesting thing that happened at work today?”

“How’d you end up in your line of work?”

“What does your name mean? What would you like it to mean?”

“What was the best part of your weekend?”

“What are you looking forward to this week?”

“Who do you think is the luckiest person in this room?”

“What does this house remind you of?”

“If you could teleport by blinking your eyes, where would you go right now?”

Chris Colin and Rob Baedeker

"How to Turn Small Talk into Smart Conversation." IDEAS.TED.COM. 7/28/2014