choose

A friend of mine was bemoaning the fact that he HAD to attend a wedding in Florida with his wife.

He did not want to go but felt he had no choice.

I asked: “What would happen if you CHOSE not to go?” He replied that his wife would be very upset and it would harm their relationship.

Next, I asked: “How do you think your current attitude will impact the quality of your time together at this wedding?” He pondered this for a minute and admitted that he would have a miserable time and that would have a negative impact on his wife’s experience – not too much different than if he stayed home.

Finally, I asked: “Knowing that you really DO have a choice, what would happen if you looked at your options and CHOSE to attend the wedding and make this a great experience for your wife?” He admitted things would probably be better and he made the choice to attend.

When he came back from his trip, I asked him how it went. He hit me in the arm and then said “I hate it when you’re right. We both had a wonderful time.”

John Hester

"You always have a choice—the power of reframing." Blanchard LeaderChat. 9/13/2012

banish the but

[Frances] Hesselbein says the number one element of listening is “banish the but.” She writes: If we want people to listen, we must banish “but” from our vocabulary. How many times have we had someone tell us how well we performed—and we were feeling good about the feedback, listening carefully—then we heard “but,” and the positive, energizing part of the feedback was lost in the “but” and what followed it. “But” is nobody’s friend—listener or speaker. “And” provides the graceful transition, the nonthreatening bridge to mutual appreciation, the communication that builds effective relationships. 

Michael McKinney

"Frances Hesselbein: To Serve is To Live." Leading Blog. 2/16/2011

people respond better when they feel they’ve been heard

Q: Comedy is so subjective. What happens when the team disagrees on what’s good?

A: Our dress rehearsals are up to 35 minutes longer than we have room for in the live show. Sometimes things don’t play, and then the writer is much more open to change and suggestions. You can have the fight beforehand, but who’s right? If we go through the dress and the audience is neutral, then we can start cutting in a relatively ruthless way, because all you’re trying to do is put on the best show out of what you have. At that point everyone falls into line. There’s no longer any real debate. We just execute. We come together and do the show. Creative people respond better when they feel they’ve been heard and had a chance to see how the thing they believed in actually performed. You know, we work in a business where people who don’t know each other kiss when they meet. It’s hard to navigate that, because nobody says, “You’re awful in that part.” There’s a level of truth that comes from the audience. They love it or they don’t.

Lorne Michaels

Interview with Lorne Michaels. Harvard Business Review. September 2013

the garden as a metaphor

In some ways, I saw the garden as a metaphor for certain aspects of my life. A leader must also tend his garden; he, too, plants seeds and then watches, cultivates, and harvests the result. Like the gardener, a leader must take responsibility for what he cultivates, he must mind his work, try to repel enemies, preserve what can be preserved, and eliminate what cannot succeed. 

I wrote Winnie two letters about a particularly beautiful tomato plant, how I coaxed it from a tender seedling to a robust plant that produced deep red fruit. But, then, either through some mistake or lack of care, the plant began to wither and decline, and nothing I did would bring it back to health. When it finally died, I removed the roots from the soil, washed them, and buried them in a corner of the garden. 

I narrated this small story at great length. I do not know what she read into that letter, but when I wrote it I had a mixture of feelings: I did not want our relationship to go the way of that plant, and yet I felt that I had been unable to nourish many of the most important relationships in my life. Sometimes there is nothing one can do to save something that must die.

Nelson Mandela

Long Walk to Freedom: The Autobiography of Nelson Mandela. Back Bay Books. 1995. p.490

reasons why change efforts typically fail

1. People leading the change think that announcing the change is the same as implementing it.

2. People’s concerns with change are not surfaced or addressed.

3. Those being asked to change are not involved in planning the change.

4. There is no compelling reason to change. The business case is not communicated.

5. A compelling vision that excites people about the future has not been developed and communicated.

6. The change leadership team does not include early adopters, resisters, or informal leaders.

7. The change is not piloted, so the organization does not learn what is needed to support the change.

8. Organizational systems and other initiatives are not aligned with the change.

9. Leaders lose focus or fail to prioritize, causing “death by 1,000 initiatives.”

10. People are not enabled or encouraged to build new skills.

11. Those leading the change are not credible. They undercommunicate, give mixed messages, and do not model the behaviors the change requires.

12. Progress is not measured, and/or no one recognizes the changes that people have worked hard to make.

13. People are not held accountable for implementing the change.

14. People leading the change fail to respect the power of the culture to kill the change.

15. Possibilities and options are not explored before a specific change is chose.

When most people see this list, their reaction depends on whether they have usually been the target of change or the change agent. Targets of change frequently feel as though we have been studying their organization for years, because they have seen these reasons why change fails in action, up close and personal. The reality is that while every organization is unique in some ways, they often struggle with change for the same reasons.

When change agents look at this list, they get discouraged, because they realize how complicated implementing change can be and how many different things can go wrong. Where should they start? Which of the fifteen reasons why change fails should they concentrate on?

Over the years it has been our experience that if leaders can understand and overcome the first three reasons why change typically fails, they are on the road to being effective leaders of change.

Ken Blanchard

Leading at a Higher Level: Blanchard on Leadership and Creating High Performing Organizations. FT Press. 2010.

how to fail well

1. Don’t overreact when you fail. It makes you look weak and insecure.

2. Don’t pretend everything’s OK. That makes you look disconnected and out of touch.

3. Take responsibility don’t blame. People respect responsible leaders.

4. Say, “I was wrong.”

5. Accept your limitations while committing to improving them. No one expects you to know everything. They do expect you to improve.

6. Say, “Next time.” It helps as long as it’s not over used. “Next time we’ll seek more input.”

7. Maintain positivity. Getting down on yourself and others won’t take you where you want to go. Leaders press through failure into the future.

“What we call failure is not the falling down but the staying down.” Mary Pickford

Dan Rockwell

"7 WAYS TO FAIL AND MAINTAIN CREDIBILITY?". Leadership Freak. 3/20/2011